Pop CultureBy Yaron Weitzman on

Teasing about kissing. Ripping a friend behind his back. Complaining over poker rules. Yep, it was (unofficially) Back to High School week on The Bachelorette. 

But first, as our narrator loves to say, we had an appearance from Chris Harrison, Psy.D. The show moved to Buenos Aires this week and before the festivities kicked into action, Harrison and JoJo had to share a heart-to-heart. Did you know that JoJo was on The Bachelor last season and felt she got played by Ben Higgins? Well, if you weren’t aware of this history, JoJo made sure to share it with Harrison and the audience. Again.

After that, it was time get things started. This week’s episode feature a one-on-one date with Wells, then a group date with Jordan, Luke, Robby, James T. and Alex.

There was also a two-on-one with Derek and Chase. This is actually the second two-on-one of the season (Alex, you’ll remember, vanquished The Chad in an earlier episode), meaning that is the first season in Bachelor/ette history to feature a pair of two-on-one dates.

WE’RE MAKING HISTORY, PEOPLE!

We’re also getting close to crunch time. Two fellas were sent home this week, meaning there are just six contestants remaining.

Let’s break it all down.

GOING HOME

Wells (8): Poor Wells. It’s not entirely his fault; the dude’s just not about that Bachelorette life. For one, he’s not 6-foot-4, he’s not 200 pounds, and he doesn’t have washboard abs.

Also, he’s kind of timid and shy. In real life, these are normal traits. But The Bachelorette isn’t real life and in this world, there’s no space for men who are nervous about kissing the girl.

That’s right, we found out this week, thanks to a joke on the date card that JoJo sent to him, that Wells had yet to kiss JoJo. “Kiss me, kiss me,” it said in Spanish. Wells then informed the house that he and JoJo had yet to lock lips. The guys reacted to this news like a bunch of teenagers.

For nearly 10 minutes, we saw them poke fun at Wells (while he was out with JoJo) and rip Wells to the cameras. Giving them this information was like tossing fresh meat to Ramsey Bolton’s hounds. Suddenly, we were back in their high school locker rooms.

Then again, something did seem off with Wells and JoJo. Whether it was the awkward hugs…

…or SNL-like cheek kisses.

Wells did finally get his act together.

But it was too late.

“I’m looking for my unicorn, I think that fairytale love does exist” JoJo said to him during the “dinner” portion of their date. This is the kind of B.S. platitude that The Bachelor/ette universe traffics on. Without this, there’s no show, no celebrity, no ca$h. The show is all about the belief in a soul mate — and Wells made the mistake of making clear that he doesn’t feel that such a thing exists.

Five minutes later, he was sent home, leaving JoJo to wander the street of Buenos Aires all by herself.

Derek (3): Derek was thrown into a two-on-one with Chase, which meant it was time for the two of them to engage in a heated stare off.

As for the date activity, well, you ever hear the phrase, “it takes two to tango”? HA! The Bachelor/ette laughs at society’s silly rules.

Derek did everything he could to win JoJo’s heart. He perfected the intense-but-loving stare and unleashed it while doing the tango. He opened up. He was a good sport and danced with the enemy.

He even dropped an “I’m falling for you.” It was good, savvy move.

And yet, JoJo just wasn’t buying what he was selling. Why that was the case, I’m not exactly sure. She never really said. Her goodbye speech contained a bunch of empty bromides and nothing else. Then again, if she saw and heard the way Derek reacted afterwards, she probably would have felt pretty good about her decision.

“I’m Derek, and Derek isn’t perfect,” Derek said after Derek was kicked off. He then began to cry.

“Why am I crying?” he asked.

Don’t ask us, dude, we’re wondering the same thing.

STILL HERE

1. Jordan (1): Et tu, James? I’m not sure if it’s the result of all the dudes being jealous of Jordan’s awesome looks, game and hair, or whether the producers are relentlessly pushing this angle behind the scenes. For some reason, though, everyone in the house seems to be under the impression that going after Jordan is a good strategy.

The latest to sink their teeth into Jordan was James. His complaint: something about a fight over the rules of poker. No, that’s not a joke. James went to JoJo, the woman he’s trying to woo, and during his one-on-one time following the group date, unprompted, complained to her about Jordan being “entitled.” JoJo asked him why he felt that way. Here, essentially, was his answer, and I want you to imagine this all being said in the voice of a four-year-old.

“Well me and Jordan were playing poker and I wanted to play one way and Jordan wanted to play another way and he told me I was wrong and it’s not fair!”

Two minutes later, it was time for Jordan and JoJo to go one-on-one. JoJo ratted on James. Jordan was mostly speechless — again, this was all about a poker game — and returned to the group red-hot. It made for some great TV.

Jordan even had the “evil villain drink-twirl” thing down.

JoJo feigned worry for a few minutes, but quickly got over what James shared. Later on, before the Rose Ceremony, Jordan went back to his go-to move of opening to JoJo juusstt a little more to make it seem as if his feelings are growing and growing. That was all JoJo needed to hear.

“I feel like Jordan really took a step forward,” JoJo said to the camera later that night.

God, this show, and its predictability, are just the best.

2. Luke (2): Luke earned the group date rose and continues to remain hot on Jordan’s tail. He didn’t even do much to stand out this week. But he continues to stay out of drama, and he’s also, in the words of Derek Zoolander, really ridiculously good-looking.

3. Robby (3): Robby was mostly quiet this week, aside from his attempt to pay off the local goalie during the group date in an attempt to rig the goal-kicking contest. Some might call that cheating. I, on the other hand, respect the move.

4. Chase (6): My primary observation about Chase: he’s the king of rocking the tucked-in button-down shirt. Maybe that’s how he was able to fend off Derek. Honestly, I’m not quite sure what he did to stick around. There was some babble from JoJo about Derek not reciprocating her feelings last week but doing so this week ,which made her think she could trust him. At least I’m pretty sure she said that about Chase. It’s her only line, so it’s becoming difficult to remember.

5. James T (5): Question for you, James? When was the last time a Bachelor/ette contestant tried to rat on one of his housemates and wound up winning the season? The correct answer is: never. SO WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

I had such high hopes for you, James. You seemed like the one normal dude in the house, and not because, as you’ve pointed out on camera numerous times, you had more than two percent body fat. You seem like a chiller, like a cool guy, like someone not actually just chasing fame.

Then you went and narc’d on Jordan — who, we learned afterwards, considered James one of his best friends in the house — and it wasn’t even a good narc. You complained about how he acted at the poker table.

For a second, it looked like you and Alex were both about to be sent home — until JoJo’s bad acting revealed the whole thing to be a ploy. With just one rose remaining and the two of you the only ones left standing, JoJo began to cry and bolted from the room.

“What happened in there?” Chris Harrison asked her.

“I can’t do this,” JoJo said. It made it seem as if she was going to give out one less rose than she was permitted to. Instead, Harrison allowed her to keep both James and Alex.

I expect to see both of them out over the next couple of weeks.

6. Alex (8): “To me, this Rose Ceremony is important,” Alex said prior to the Rose Ceremony. “I’m either here, or going home.”

There’s no arguing with that logic. Also, he finally shaved, so he no longer looks like Teen Wolf. That should help his cause, though, to be honest, I don’t understand how this 5-foot-4, ultra-aggressive Oompa Loompa is still here.

LINES OF THE NIGHT

“I miss Wells.”— JoJo

This was said just moments after JoJo sent him home from their one-one-one date.

“I’m on a very quick train, and it’s headed to I love JoJoville.” — James T

Only way you’re getting in JoJoville, bro, is if Mayor Jordan Rodgers lets you in.

“Two-on-ones are tough. They’re not easy. They’re uncomfortable, a lot of nerves go into it.” — JoJo.

Sometimes, this show makes my job too easy.

* * *

Ed. Note: The author won his own version of The Bachelorette a year ago, and, in true Bachelorette fashion, is off to Hawaii for the next two-plus weeks to celebrate these nuptials. These Power Rankings will resume on July 26.

About Yaron Weitzman

Yaron Weitzman is a freelance writer based in New York whose work frequently appears on The Comeback, SB Nation and in SLAM Magazine. He's also been published on SB Nation Longform, The Cauldron, Tablet Magazine and in the Journal News. Yaron can be followed on Twitter @YaronWeitzman

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