Previously on Top Chef, Jason and his yellow pants went home, which means that Kwame, who nearly ruined his path to the top of the Top Chef power rankings, was safe.
The challenge last week was to revisit your life 10 years ago. Kwame was a drug dealer when he was 19, and got a reality check to grow up and do something with himself. He lives to cook another day, both in this competition and, thankfully for his decisions, in life.
Phillip gives his testimonial after almost being ousted. He has two restaurants, remember, so his food must be good.
We flash to this week, where Chad says he has to get his beard under control, calling it a “fiery bush from hell.” He’s using a blow drier. Yep.
While Chad is blowing himself out, Marjorie and Karen are sharpening their knives. This week’s ‘Only by Bravo!” moment, brought to you by Bravo!
Quickfire time, where the cheftestants meet popular Instagrammer Chef Jacques La Merde which literally means Jack Shit, so add social media onto the list of things I’m not doing right.
Chef Jacques is feeling “soigné”, so they ask each chef what the hell that means.
Three or four silly answers before we get this beauty:
“It’s just soigné. It means perfection.”
Please do not use the word in its own definition, Jeremy. Also, stop being like you are being. In life, I assume, not just in this show.
It turns out the visual dishes by Jack Shit is actually made of junk food, so the chefs will have to use junk food to make dishes that look like really good food. Oh, and the public on Instagram will vote on who wins the Quickfire and gets immunity. Phillip, your thoughts?
“This is not a cooking challenge it’s a plating challenge. People, you eat with your eyes before you eat with your mouth.”
Isaac, a rebuttal?
“People who say they eat with their eyes should be stabbed with a pork chop bone.”
I love this show.
Carl is eating the food instead of using it to plate. Amar then puts Ez-Cheez on his hand and licks it. I hope he wins.
There is Spam, cookies, Twinkies, Ho Hos, icing, Bugles…you name it. Carl is using the Spam cans in his plating, calling his dish ‘social commentary’ in some farm to fresh play. Do not follow Carl on Instagram, folks.
Phillip says you can’t rush art, then says “don’t knock over my Bugles.” He is, the worst.
Everyone thinks Carl is going to win. Again, I’m bad at Instagram.
Chef Jacques Le Merde is actually Christine Flynn, executive chef of iQ Food Co. It seems she’s pretty awesome, and she helps take photos of the dishes.
Chad was first.
Then Amar, who did my favorite.
Carl made canned lunch meat from the garden.
Jeremy used powder and Dorito dust.
Marjorie made “baloney spaghetti with a Twinkie crumble.” Sounds delish.
Isaac made a dessert cart, with next level cheese dip.
Kwame made a lunch meat special and, honestly, it looks pretty special. Sorry, Soigné.
Karen made dessert, with a Cheeto strawberry icing.
And then Phillip, who takes so long they played “old man slow” trombone music under him. He is, the worst.
We won’t find out the winner until tomorrow, so someone gets immunity but we don’t know who yet.
Neil Fraser is the guest chef. Phillip used to work for him. Oooh, this could be bad for Phillip, who says he’s excited to cook for Neil, but sounds like he’s about to die.
It’s Beefsteak! A black-tie affair where people get drunk and eat meat and fish and the money goes to the LA Foodbank.
The cheftestants have to cook a traditional Beefsteak meal, but are in teams. Phillip, Amar and Jeremy are a team. See.
Marjorie, Isaac and Chad are a team. See.
Last, Kwame, Karen and Carl are a team. Thank goodness Carl is spelled with a C. See.
Each team has to do a seafood dish, a meat dish and two sides. Oh, and at Beefsteak, there are no utensils, plates or napkins. It’s all meat. ALL MEAT.
Chad is struggling to go from “food porn” to ugly food. That team is doing fish and chicken sausage which is “meat” not “beef” and bread, which Marjorie calls “a natural napkin.”
On the Red team, Kwame wants to make peel and eat shrimp with a crab butter. Carl will make dry-aged beef and Karen will do asparagus and fingerling potatoes. They’re going Spanish with their flavors.
The Green team is going with fish and a side by Amar, a lamb lollipop by Phillip and Jeremy is doing the sides. He’s worried they aren’t doing beef, but he’s happy to let Phillip die on the lamb.
Amar got a 25-pound halibut and spent $575 on it, which Chad said, “is that just for the…halibut.” I LOVE YOU CHAD I WAS GOING TO MAKE THAT JOKE YOU BLOWDRIED-BEARDED GENIUS.
Chad wanted black cod, but they don’t have enough at the Whole Foods, so he goes with tuna. That’s a disaster waiting to happen, Chad.
Carl is psyched he’s the only one cooking beef at beefsteak. He is right, as nobody else cooking steak is just stupid. Going to break, a quick update on the Quickfire, which doesn’t make much sense because this was filmed months ago.
It’s food montage time, so we skip ahead to when something noteworthy happens. Has anyone lost any lobsters or dropped anything or broken anything? No? Come on, this is low on the drama and high on the catering. One hundred portions of food is not really that much fun to watch being made.
Ooh, fire.
Chad is making morbid, dark, ash-crusted fish. Sounds cool.
Phillip calls his wife after a day of cooking. They met in middle school then ten years later saw each other at a party. Phillip got his first job at age 12. Now he works hard every day, which is noble. But he has a man bun and is really just the epitome of every cliché you can think of, so it’s really hard to root for the guy. Sorry. (Not sorry.)
More food, food, food and they’re cooking, cooking, cooking, which I guess is good on a food show where the contestants are judged for their cooking. Marjorie is making her own bread, and she immediately regrets doing it, because of the proofing process. Isaac is making sausage and Chad is making ‘delicate’ tuna. That’s an odd pairing, but you know what, everything tastes better on bread.
Phillip says he’s making lamb and if you don’t like it, f**k it, send him home. Deal.
Then Hugh Acheson throws meat at a lady. Dammit, that should have been the headline.
Green team is first, with rack of lamb and prune jam, grilled halibut and Brussels sprouts and bacon and roasted carrots with spiced yogurt.
They like Phillip’s lamb. Padma thinks the halibut medallions are “pansy”. Hugh calls it dainty, and not meant for this event. “Like a murder scene” is what they should have done. The judges, who are probably drunk, are crushing them, so of course Phillip leaves and either he or Jeremy says “I think we did good,” because they liked his lamb. He is…you get it. Either of them.
Blue team is up and the judges love the fact that Isaac gave them rolls of meat, but Tom Colicchio literally booed Chad’s fish dish.
They don’t love the sausage when they taste it. The bread they like, but they complain about the tuna and the presentations.
NO MICROGREENS AT A BEEFSTEAK.
Tom: “You should have been thinking like back in the Navy cooking, not this dainty thing here.”
The guy who founded Beefsteak then says “where was the sexism people? Beefsteak is about sexism.”
Isaac retorts: “I wanted to put my sausage in your mouth.”
“You have a dry sausage,” Hugh replies, “I don’t know if I want it in my mouth.”
BURN.
Red team has food that even Top Chef is blowing through so fast it was almost impossible to screen capture. It all looks good.
They hated Kwame’s shrimp. They thought the beef was good, but they hated the presentation of it and they thought Karen’s dishes were fine, but nobody did the challenge right.
Oooh, and update on the IG from months ago Bravo is tricking us into thinking is happening in real time in an effort to get viewers to follow Top Chef on IG.
Oh, and Colin Hanks was there. Hi Colin.
Please tell Fox to bring back The Good Guys. Thanks.
The judges are pissed they tried to reinvent the beefsteak. Look at this level of disappointment. Everyone should go home.
At judges table, find out that Karen won the Quickfire. Wow, hers seems like the worst. Instagram is weird.
Chad tries to defend the group, and juge Chris Cosentino tells him to shut it and work better. Phillip’s bone did the day, and the lamb was the best dish. He was either going to win or lose, so he won. Bully for him. Or, I guess, lammy. Now he feels he can be himself.
The losers are Marjorie, Chad and Isaac. I did not see that coming, which means either bearded Chad or Isaac are gone.
Isaac thinks his sausage is good, but the judges thought it was bland. Marjorie is safe after they loved her bread. Chad is getting killed for his microgreens, and it bit him, he says. He said before he couldn’t get out of his head going from food porn to food, uh, sexism, so this could be his last food dance. That sentence is the weirdest thing I’ve ever written.
“It’s like the judges showed up to see Metallica and Weezer was playing.” Okay, Phillip, that’s a great line.
It’s time to pack knives and go, and after Tom’s disappointing commentary, Padma sends Chad and his epic beard home. He says this show is tougher than the Navy.
Power Rankings:
- Marjorie – She’s probably the favorite after another good week.
- Karen – Another solid week moves her near the top.
- Amar – If you asked me to pick a lock for the finale it’s him or Marjorie.
- Chad – He’s going to middle of the pack his way to the end
- Jeremy – I can’t get a read on this guy. Maybe he’s too soigné.
- Kwame – He needs to hit his stride again.
- Phillip – The win didn’t do much for his ranking.
- Isaac – He’s lucky his sausage didn’t get him sent home.
Next week: Restaurant Wars. A two-parter. Ugh.
