Previously on Top Chef, restaurant Wars saw Phillip go home. Nobody is upset about that. Isaac points out to the other cheftestants they shouldn’t have picked him last. The chefs lament (celebrate) the loss of Phillip, where Kwame says he understood Phillip.

“I didn’t,” Marjorie quips. Raucous laughter ensues.

TopChefHammer[54]

TopChefHammer[53]

TopChefHammer[52]

The group heads to the Bay Area on the culinary tour of California, with the next stop in Oakland. So far, something to watch out for, is that Carl has been fed every single line the producers need someone to say on this episode. Like, you know when a chef randomly yells out the time remaining in a challenge? That’s because someone with the show asks them to do that. There’s no way a chef would randomly decide to help the others by reminding them how much time is left.

In this case, though, Carl is just offering banal statements like “let’s blow So Cal, man. Let’s head on up to San Francisco” and “alright, Jack London Square, baby.”

The chefs walk up to Padma and her special guest judge, and it’s MC Hammer!

TopChefHammer[55]

She welcomes them to Oakland, to which Carl replies, “Oaklandish, baby.”

Please Hammer, hurt him.

TopChefHammer[57]

Carl, who is a chef in Cambridge, Mass, talks about how he got MC Hammer’s cassette when he was eight years old and that launched his love of hip hop, when he and his friends use to “stay up all night, writing rhymes in somebody’s house where we were making beats.”

Stop. I shouldn’t touch this, but I’m going to break it down.

Carl—clearly the producers’ choice for new villain of the show now that Phillip is gone—told us that he was making beats and writing rhymes with friends, staying UP ALL NIGHT, when he was eight years old? I have an eight year old. She goes to bed at 8 p.m. Maybe we let her stay up until 9 or 10 if there are fireworks or something. But MC Carl was droppin’ rhymes and layin’ beats in the ‘hood at eight years old?

My, my, my…

TopChefHammer[58]

The challenge is for the chefs to make up their own rap name, and make a dish to personify that name. Oh, that’s all? When I was a kid I thought my rap name could be DJ L, because those are my initials and I’m a white kid from the suburbs of Philly and what do you want from me, okay? I wasn’t droppin’ beats with Carl’s get fresh crew. I’m sorry.

TopChefHammer[59]

In this challenge, though, I’d pick like DJ Delicious or MC Porkbelly or something like that. Amar’s name is “Santana Lovah”, and he is making Chilean sea bass so he can get his girlfriend back. And then he danced like MC Hammer.

TopChefHammer[60]

Jeremy is “Spicy J-Rock 305” because of course he is. (How is it not Soigné?)

TopChefHammer[61]

He and Kwame are both making the same dishes. Kwame was a part-time rapper, doing shows in New York. He gave away food at his shows so they’d show up. His name is “Bay-Lish” because they are in the Bay Area and his food is, I assume, delish. Or he’s a big First Take fan and “Steamin-A” was taken by another chef.

TopChefHammer[62]

Isaac Toups goes with “Toups Legit” which is perfect. He’s making New Orleans barbecue scallops, AGAIN. It should be “Toups Legit to try something different so he makes the same style of food every week”, but that reads long.

TopChefHammer[63]

Karen is the “Pink Dragon” which I swear was either one of the song titles from Carl’s beat sessions or a drink Kwame served with his rap-show food. She’s making spicy soup. In 20 minutes.

TopChefHammer[64]

And Carl. An actual quote. I transcribed this. For you.

“I’m all about finesse. I like to make things soigné, so I’m thinking maybe, Soigné Ploosh, and then I was like, ‘that sounds more like a stripper name.”

TopChefHammer[65]

He settled on Dr. Funky Fresh, because his food is funky. He is, now, officially the worst.

TopChefHammer[66]

You know who Carl is, seriously? He’s the guy who is quiet and nice and then he hangs out four or five times and feels comfortable enough to start being himself and then you realize “wow, this guy is awful” and he can’t go back because this is who he really is and the other one was a fraud to make you like him. That’s Carl. Welcome to Top Chef, Carl.

TopChefHammer[67]

Marjorie is “Miss Punch-A-Lot” which apparently is because she is always punching people. She’s making fried chicken sandwich with spicy sauce.

TopChefHammer[68]

Karen’s soup is first. It’s spicy.

TopChefHammer[69]

Carl’s dish is next, and he “drops some beats” to explain his dish. To MC Hammer.

TopChefHammer[70]

It goes over well, but I have to say if this was Hammer of the 1990’s, Carl would have found himself in the bay. They seem to like his dish.

TopChefHammer[71]

Amar’s dish didn’t get much reaction because he spent all his time talking about how he’s a lover. I know, I know, you eat with your eyes and food is sexy and Padma must make everyone super nervous because she’s basically the most beautiful animal, vegetable or mineral on the planet and all that, but just feed them the damn dish and stop talking about sex when they’re trying to put your dish in their mouths. I said DISH.

TopChefHammer[72]

Marjorie made a sandwich. This is perfect, but too much bread.

TopChefHammer[73]

Toups made scallops and grits and Hammer liked it.

TopChefHammer[74]

Jeremy, who has quickly relinquished “the worst” moniker to Carl, made crab broth and halibut cheek, just because he felt like it. It was spicy.

TopChefHammer[75]

Kwame made basically the same dish as Jeremy but with lobster, not for the halibut.

TopChefHammer[76]

Padma asks Kwame if he’d like to say anything to Hammer, being a former (failed) emcee. He pauses, the producers drop some amazing slow jams and cut between Padma and Kwame—dude’s admitted to having a wee bit of a crush on her—and he didn’t want to let her down, so he gave a little sample of his rhymes, which weren’t great but were ten THOUSAND times better than Carl, before admitting he was nervous. Still, love from Hammer.

TopChefHammer[77]

AND FROM PADMA. WHOA!

TopChefHammer[78]

Hammer didn’t like Amar’s love dish or Marjorie’s sandwich. I now hate Hammer because that sandwich looked delish. Oh, he also didn’t like Bay-Lish, saying there were other dishes “sim-u-lar” that had more umph.  They liked Carl’s dish. They also liked Isaac’s and Karen’s pink dragon dish.

TopChefHammer[79]

The winner is Isaac’s Toups Legit scallop dish, which was aptly named and aptly seasoned. Isaac danced to celebrate, which is totally more embarrassing than trying to freestyle in front of Hammer.

TopChefHammer[80]

Where’s his kiss, Padma?

TopChefHammer[81]

“Cajun hammer meets MC Hammer. Hammertime.” And, as Isaac says, he got immunity and he didn’t even have to rap.

For the elimination challenge, it’s Jonathan Waxman, perhaps the polar opposite in terms of style and body shape to MC Hammer.

TopChefHammer[83]

The challenge is to pick a different place and time in history and create a dish from that era.

TopChefHammer[85]

Isaac goes first and picks the Viking age. Big huge knives and lots of meat. Carl picks Ancient Greece. Amar goes with Paris. Marjorie goes with Ancient India. Kwame goes Han Dynasty, which by the way is one of the best restaurants in the country if you have a chance to go to one in and around Philly. Though the website is, and I swear this is true, handynasty.net which does not read like Han Dynasty to me.

TopChefHammer[86]

Karen wanted some Handy Nasty Han Dynasty, so she’s pissed. Jeremy went San Francisco Gold Rush, and Karen went with Japan. Nobody picked Italian Renaissance, which is kind of amazing. Oh, and they have to go to the library to research their food and time.

TopChefHammer[87]

TopChefHammer[88]

That was Marjorie’s line on the photo of Amar, for what it’s worth. And Jeremy said “I wasn’t a big book guy in class” but took an elective of surfing. Totally makes sense.

TopChefHammer[89]

Marjorie is regretting her India decision as she’s used to a different type of food from that region, but the time and area of the country she took isn’t what she knows. And thus ends what was the longest segment ever at a library in the history of Bravo. So they go to a bar and get huge coconut drinks, just like the Real Housewives!

TopChefHammer[90]

They see a drum set and some cowbells and they plan horrible music and the crowd goes wild because it’s TV and why not go wild for some people who are disrupting your meal and drinks with friends! Yay!

TopChefHammer[92]

Cooking montage ensues. Carl is preparing random seafood and picking what’s best. Marjorie picked India because she was once a personal chef for an Indian family and they taught her their family dishes. Amar is making foie and other decadent French foods.

Isaac is cooking Viking dishes and he’s going with venison, which is interesting given the amount of fish he could choose.

TopChefHammer[93]

Kwame has four ingredients for his Han Dynasty dish. Less is more, man. Also, duck feet is more.

TopChefHammer[94]

The judges come to hear what the dishes are and get in someone’s head. This is their reaction to Karen doing a Japanese dish without rice.

TopChefHammer[95]

I love Tom. Have I mentioned how much I love Tom? Kwame had a test duck and Tom, like the clairvoyant he is, asked to taste it. This is what it looks like inside. (That’s raw.)

TopChefHammer[96]

Tom wouldn’t taste it, even on the edges. And now they’re in Kwame’s head, right on cue.

Marjorie is struggling with her Indian food, and it seems Padma is now in her head.

TopChefHammer[97]

Carl and Marjorie are up first and Carl presents his Greece dish on a plate that looks straight outta Corinth. They like the dish a lot.

TopChefHammer[99]

Marjorie’s Indian dish was okay, and for the first time her attempt at bread backfired. Jonathan Waxman gave Marjorie a hard time for serving her lamb properly, and not to the temperature of the time period. Or he was being cute and telling her it was overcooked. It’s kind of hard to tell.

TopChefHammer[100]

Isaac is next, and he’s plating on wooden smoking planks. Kwame is nervous about his raw duck, but he’s happy with the cook.

TopChefHammer[102]

Isaac’s dish was “spot on” but Tom didn’t love the plating, even though it was on wooden planks. It’s hard when the judges take things TOO literally, and don’t let the chefs be who they are. Half the time it’s “make it your own” but this season it’s like “follow the damn directions” a little too much for my taste.

Speaking of taste, they taste Kwame’s duck dish and they love it, especially the coriander crust.

TopChefHammer[103]

Jeremy served next, and presented his San Fran Gold Rush chowder, but they didn’t care for the consistency of the soup or the lack of crab in the chowder.

TopChefHammer[104]

Karen’s plates look amazing, and her food inside them looks good too, but she was nervous it was too Chinese. Padma said the same. She overcomplicated the dish, and her background of cooking Chinese got in her head.

TopChefHammer[105]

The last group is Amar and by himself and Jonathan Waxman loved the attention to detail. Based on the comments, he’s in line for the victory.

TopChefHammer[106]

The judges liked all the dishes, and spoke of Isaac, Carl and Amar as the best. “Dark brown richness,” Padma said…about Amar’s sauce. They also liked Kwame’s duck.

Jeremy’s chowder fell flat, and they didn’t like the lack of crab. Marjorie’s dish did not go well and Karen needed to self edit her Chinese influence to save her Japanese dish.

TopChefHammer[107]

Kwame, Amar and Carl were the top three, so Isaac got fourth place. They said glowing things about the three dishes, and Jonathan Waxman gave the win to Amar, which I swear I wrote before he even said it.

TopChefHammer[109]

It’s his first win. I called this arc how many weeks ago?

TopChefHammer[112]

I also said Jeremy was not long for this competition and he sees himself in the bottom with Marjorie and Karen. Both of them misfired, for sure, but Jeremy’s was clearly the worst and he’s been far more disappointing than either of the two women. Plus, let’s be honest, it’s too soon to just go with one female chef the rest of the way on this show. I know it’s about the food, I know. But even if it wasn’t this time about the diversity of the chefs, knocking off another white guy isn’t the worst thing at this point in the competition. (Do these smiles mean they agree?)

TopChefHammer[115]

Karen wishes she had one hour less as she’s harder on herself than the judges. Marjorie got dinged again for her parotta, as Padma said the bread was too fried for what she was going for. But Jeremy caught the brunt, as again Waxman talked about being a miner wanting a nice bowl of chowder and said “you got a little too fussy.”

TopChefHammer[113]

Back from break, Tom talks about going through history via food with the chefs before Padma sends Karen home.

TopChefHammer[114]

Wait…what? WHAT? The Pink Dragon just got slayed? I cannot believe it.

TopChefHammer[117]

 

Bro.

TopChefHammer[92]

Top Chef Power Rankings

1. Amar. His first win is one of the biggest. They LOVED his dish. He’s now the favorite.

2. Isaac. He finished in the middle on the main, but he won the Quickfire and had immunity, so that may have played into the judging. And he’s still on a high from Restaurant Wars.

3. Kwame. He got his stride back. Plus he got a kiss from Padma.

4. Carl. We learned a lot about Carl this episode. Not much of it was good. But his food is.

5. Marjorie. She was flying high on the bread for a while, and it was almost her undoing.

6. Jeremy. The luckiest man on any cooking show ever.

Next week on Top Chef. Yan Can Cook! And fast casual chain restaurants!

TopChefHammer[116]

About Dan Levy

Dan Levy has written a lot of words in a lot of places, most recently as the National Lead Writer for Bleacher Report. He was host of The Morning B/Reakaway on Sirius XM's Bleacher Report Radio for the past year, and previously worked at Sporting News and Rutgers University, with a concentration on sports, media and public relations.