It’s Friday. You’re tired. You’re hungry and you obviously want to get out of work. So dig in to this week’s review of the best sport going on TV and the best show in that sport—competitive cooking and Top Chef!
Last time on Top Chef, Giselle went home, leading Karen to bring back the old Top Chef trope of “This isn’t Top ______” as she said Giselle ‘acted like a line cook or a sous chef’ and, say it with me, “This isn’t Top Line Cook.”
Wait.
How in the hell was it not “This isn’t top SOUS Chef?” Because the show is called Top Chef and you’re just adding Sous to it. Karen. Karen!
They recap the disastrous gummy potatoes Phillip made last week and he’s still on the notion that he likes them that way. Yeah, well guess what, Phillip, I like my chicken in dinosaur shaped nugget form but you don’t see me serving that to Padma and Tom, do you?
Phillip needs to win Top Chef, by the way. Oh, because the other cheftestants obviously don’t need to win Top Chef. (Phillip is a villain on the show, and I embrace hating him.)
The chefs head to San Diego, home of beautiful beaches and Richard Blais’ restaurant Juniper and Ivy. Bearded Chad tells us he joined the Navy out of high school because of 9/11—wanting to kick some ass—and they stationed him in San Diego, where’s he stayed (and clearly hasn’t shaved) since.
This is not the same man.
Javier Plascencia is the guest judge for the Quickfire, and it’s a sudden death quickfire which means someone could be going home.
They’re cooking baja-style food, so it’s FISH TACO TIME. We are told, “the possibilities are endless.” I mean, sure, but really they all have to be tacos with fish, so there’s probably some end to the possibilities.
Wesley talks about how lobster and foie are a great pairing, calling it “decadent” then says, “I’m going to kill this thing,” before the wonderful Bravo editors pan to this little sea bug. Let’s call him Lance.
Hi Lance.
There’s softshell crabs and foie gras and sea urchin and all sorts of ocean goodness and Wesley can’t find his lobster.
Where’s Lance? WHERE IS LANCE?
IS THIS LANCE? DID YOU STEAL LANCE?
Wesley put Lance on the wrong station, then screamed at everyone for stealing it. Dammit, Wesley. “Sorry for being an a$$hole,” he says.
Cooking montage leads to Carl saying “fish tacos are my jam” which is something nobody should ever say, Carl. Phillip needs to find out how to be true to himself while giving judges what they want. They do not want dinosaur nuggets, Phillip.
It’s a mad dash to complete the 20-minute tacos and times up, but Angelina forgot to plate…on the plate. HOLY HELL.
Judging time and they like Kwame, last week’s winner. They also like Phillip’s dish. Jason, last week’s jerk, gets good reviews too. Karen does well as well. They’re all doing well.
Isaac, who is now my favorite cheftestant, is next and he does a southern dish because that’s basically all he does. They thought it was a little too greasy. Wesley did this, which is NOT A TACO. How dare you tarnish the legacy of Lance the Lobster for this, Wesley. It’s a wrap. That’s MAYBE a burrito, but it is not a taco.
They hate it, because the shell was made of mango.
More plates that don’t matter before they get to Angelina, who didn’t put her tacos on the plate, so the judges refuse to even try the food. I mean, wouldn’t you just try it, even if she’s disqualified? This is kind of ridiculous and a total waste of tacos. Two episodes ago, Phillip used a damn rock as a plate. Why can’t Angelina use her cutting board?
On to San Diego Chad, who nails his sea urchin and shark and oyster taco.
Carl was last and seemed like they just forgot he was there.
Karen, Chad and Kwame were the best, with Chad pulling out the victory. GIANT BEARDS AND BAJA FOR EVERYONE. And immunity for Chad.
Let’s check in on Phillip:
“Why is it when I cook something perfect I don’t make it anywhere near the top. I don’t understand. Am I not supposed to be making yummy food?”
Let’s break this down for a second.
• First, stop saying yummy, chefs. You are not three year olds.
• Second, maybe three people made yummier food. That’s a possibility in a cooking competition challenge.
• Third, if you lose, and you are asked to do a testimonial later in the day, don’t ever say any of the things Phillip said. America will turn on you if they already haven’t because of your potato glue from last week.
Angelina is in the bottom, up for elimination. She has to go against one chef to stay in the competition. She picks Wesley, who best damn find his lobster before this starts.
They’re making Caesar salad.
Wait, no, a twist! They’re making a dish using the ingredients Javier uses to make his famous Caesar salad, but they don’t have to make a salad. Wesley, DO NOT MAKE A TACO WITH THE LETTUCE. That’s called a lettuce wrap.
Angelina is doing a crostini with anchovies and Parmesan cheese. Wesley is doing something with an egg and Worcestershire sauce.
Both dishes were simple, more garlic for Wesley and more sauce for Angelina.
And Angelina is going home!
Holy cow, I did not see that coming. The youngest cheftestant gets sent packing by the oldest.
(When they cut to commercial, they show Wesley’s ass hanging out of his pants. I will not be screen capturing that thank you and you’re welcome.)
Emeril, Tom and Blais show up with beer to celebrate the almost halfway point of the season. Let’s drink! Wait, Chad doesn’t, and they just gave him a beer. I noticed his beer still has its cap on, which is probably for the best.
Each judge created their own beers. Tom’s has banana in it. Lemon, coriander and banana. Isaac asks how he can get banana in his dish. “I know, I’m going to freeze a banana in nitrogen and stick it up my ass.”
Only by Bravo!
They go to Whole Foods and buy stuff. Nothing notable happens other than Jason tells us he quit his jobs because he wasn’t challenged creatively.
Next they go to a hotel or whatever and then Emeril shows up with an ass full of wine. Literally.
They talk about how tough the show is and how none of them expected it to be this mentally draining and Emeril gives them encouragement by saying that nobody knows how hard they have it which I would believe if the show didn’t have the same scene with each cast every year at this point. We all know how hard it is, and it’s part of the reason we love watching the show.
Wesley picked Blais’ beer, and they are total opposites, even though Wesley just took over as executive chef at Blais’ old Atlanta restaurant The Spence. Jason is making squid meatballs out of a piping bag. That sentence sounds horrible.
Amar is making jalapeno poppers. Isaac is making banana mayonnaise which he’s calling Banannaise.
I’m in.
Food montage time, and Chad and Amar are up first. Amar says he’s happy with his dish. I’ll be the guy who writes about the judges of that, Amar!
Chad makes opah and hominy and carrots with jalapeno and tamarind and ginger and holy hell that beer must taste weird with those spices, Padma. The judges love it.
Amar’s chicken and popper is outstanding, so they’re both up for the win.
Wesley is up next and he is concerned that his lamb is overcooked. His goose is cooked!
Blais’ beer has beets, chocolate and ras el hanout, who I think is the villain on season three of Arrow. I love Blais, but I wonder what in the hell that beer tastes like.
Karen made duck and everyone loves her dish.
Wesley made lamb and blood splattered beets. His lamb bled out and eats dry. The beets are bad. Blais said it lacks nuance.
HE HATES YOU, WESLEY. You and Lance the Lobster should pack your knives and go.
Jeremy made duck with granola and blueberries because who doesn’t want duck in their cereal? They say it needs more fat and more chocolate.
Emeril’s beer is next. It’s got coffee, cayenne pepper and tangerine. He says the beer is “rich and bold,” which Padma quips, “just like you: rich and bold.” BAM!
Marjorie made gnocchi and chicken, which they like but wish it had more beer flavor.
Phillip made duck—oh, look, more duck—with a rutabaga puree. They like the dish. So he can go shut up.
Carl made short rib with chiles, coffee and cherry salsa. Mixed reviews, which means he could be in trouble.
It’s banana beer time. Thanks Tom.
Isaac made a corn and crab velouté with potato because he has to slam the southern down our throats, almost literally, every time. The judges love the banannaise idea, but didn’t love his corn presentation nonsense.
Kwame went chicken mojo. Tom rolled his eyes the dish was so good, like he was he was annoyed a kid that age can make food that delicious. I genuinely think Tom gets annoyed when things are better than he expected, like the guy knows so damn much about food that when he’s surprised it’s not as pleasant a surprise as it might be for laypersons like us. (I love you, Tom.)
Jason’s pork and squid meatball was under-seasoned and someone said it was like the stuffing from a dim sum restaurant. Blais said, “it is as weird as can be. It’s one of the weirdest things I’ve ever had.” And that’s a guy who has made edible foam out of shoe polish. I’m convinced I have that right.
Tom calls it “bait.”
The judges run through their favorite dishes before they get to the worst. Emeril says Jason’s squid meatballs would have been sent back in his restaurant. He’s wrong, because who the hell is ordering that in the first place? They mock him for coming out with an old dish that nobody makes anymore. There’s a reason for that, man.
“Speaking about awful, what did you think of Wesley’s dish?” Damn Emeril. Damn.
They didn’t like Isaac’s dish either. And Marjorie’s dish got mixed reviews, but she’s safe because Blais liked it.
Padma wants to see everyone. Also, Hello Padma.
Amar, Karen and Kwame have the best dishes of the night. Tom extolls the virtues of Karen’s beets before Padma tells Kwame she love how he took the banana and made it his own. There’s a dirty joke in there somewhere.
And Karen wins! Beets and chocolate for everyone! From almost eliminated last week to winning this week. Only on Top Chef.
Now it’s time for the knive-packing losers. Jason, Isaac and Wesley are on the bottom. Isaac’s corn dish didn’t work, and he admitted the banana got in his head. There’s a dirty joke in there somewhere.
Blais’ said Wesley’s dish had “that Jackson Pollock effect, but not with intent. It was like someone spilled a bucket of paint on the dish.” Yeah, he’s gone.
Wesley overcooked his lamb. He said to Emeril, “you can’t save an overcooked piece of meat. Obviously if this wasn’t Top Chef it would have gone in the trash, but I don’t have that option. I made a mistake.” Yeah. He’s gone.
Jason dish is the only thing that can save Wesley. Blais said it was like an alien abducted him and said this is what they eat on their planet. Jason admits it wasn’t his best.
Knife packing time. Tom says the issue wasn’t the challenge it was the cooking. Yikes.
And Wesley is sent home. In Blais’ restaurant. Like it was meant to be. He blames being at Richard’s restaurant for getting the best of him.
Next week on Top Chef, they go back to Los Angeles and someone is going home for a bad dish. WHO WILL IT BE?
