The Cheat SheetBy Jay Rigdon on

Good morning, and welcome to Thursday!

Unless, of course, you’re reading this at some point in the future that is decidedly not a Thursday morning, in which case this has been a wildly inaccurate opening. My deepest apologies, you can feel free to request a refund of your full purchase price.

(That joke wasn’t very good regardless of whether or not it’s Thursday morning.)

Here’s the Cheat Sheet.

Montana Congressional candidate bodyslams reporter

Hey, it’s 2017, and the political climate is such that you can read a headline like that and wonder if it means a literal bodyslam or if it’s just a metaphor. And, actually, yes it’s a literal bodyslam in this case.

But don’t just take it from me, take it from this Fox News report, which is fairly damning to a Republican candidate in Montana’s special election (being held today!)

The race to fill Montana’s sole seat in the U.S. House of Representatives took a violent turn Wednesday, and a crew from the Fox News Channel, including myself, witnessed it firsthand.

…

During that conversation, another man — who we now know is Ben Jacobs of The Guardian — walked into the room with a voice recorder, put it up to Gianforte’s face and began asking if he had a response to the newly released Congressional Budget Office report on the American Health Care Act. Gianforte told him he would get to him later. Jacobs persisted with his question. Gianforte told him to talk to his press guy, Shane Scanlon.

At that point, Gianforte grabbed Jacobs by the neck with both hands and slammed him into the ground behind him. Faith, Keith and I watched in disbelief as Gianforte then began punching the reporter. As Gianforte moved on top of Jacobs, he began yelling something to the effect of, “I’m sick and tired of this!”

So, yeah, that happened.

The whole thing was captured via audio recording, if you’re curious:

Yikes. Assault is wrong, I like to think that’s something we can all agree on, regardless of party, right?

Bill Simmons brought up stupid “make me a GM” thing again and got owned

Oh, this is so good. If you don’t remember, back in 2008 Bill Simmons decided to campaign for the job of Milwaukee Bucks GM, because that’s something he’s definitely qualified for. Because it’s Simmons, it’s safe to assume that he was more serious about his own qualifications than he should have been given his skillset (or emphatic lack thereof.)

The Bucks are once again without a GM, theirs having moved on for browner pastures in Orlando, so Simmons decided it was time to take another swing at it, even tagging Mallory Edens, daughter of Bucks co-owner Wes Edens.

I could wax on for a while (Karate Kid reference, Bill, just for you) about how this is a classic Simmons maneuver, inserting his own personality into places no one wants it. (The last time that happened was when he attempted to beam it directly into people’s homes via his HBO show, which was promptly canceled.)

Mallory Edens responded, and it’s sustaining in its greatness:

Even if it was fully tongue-in-cheek, that’s so viciously dismissive, and is exactly the kind of response that probably eats at Bill, because it’s actually funny and at his expense.

Simmons replied as well, with the kind of dad joke that is his only real weapon anymore:

Simmons is 47, and if you can tell the difference in his maturity now vs. back when he wrote for Page 2, you’re a more discerning reader than I am. He certainly has internal-facing skills; he has a great eye for talent, and the Grantland talent assembly he orchestrated will likely never be replicated. (Some of my favorite writers include Grantland alums like Ben Lindbergh, Bill Barnwell, and Zach Lowe, among others.)

But I’ll take a good Simmons burn on Twitter any day of the week.

Quick Hits

Billy Hamilton

-Billy Hamilton scored from first on a single to left field, if you’re wondering how fast he is. (Hint: very.)

-LaVar Ball is still a moron.

-Purdue’s Caleb Swanigan is staying in the draft.

-Jim Harbaugh actually admitted guilt over that dustup with Jim Schwartz.

-Here’s a cat combining two very cat pastimes:

=^o.o^=

-Manchester United took the scenic route to next season’s Champions League by winning the Europa League final yesterday.

-Tiger Woods is not going to be Tiger Woods again, especially not in the wake of this last surgery.

-The Seahawks are going to work out Colin Kaepernick.

-Here are some raccoons and puppies playing together:

There ain’t no party like a raccoons and puppies party

-Also, they’re doing some crazy and kind of creepy stuff with lens zooming these days:

View post on imgur.com

-Anthony Rizzo hit two homers into the wind at Wrigley to propel the Cubs to a 5-4 victory over the Giants in an NLDS rematch.

Rizzo is one of the hottest players in baseball right now:

Fake News Headline I Wish Was Real

Dog Stares Daggers At New Boyfriend

One Last Glorious Moment of Procrastination

This video. So awkward. So great.

About Jay Rigdon

Jay is a columnist at Awful Announcing. He is not a strong swimmer. He is probably talking to a dog in a silly voice at this very moment.

View all posts by Jay Rigdon