I’ve never tried In-n-Out Burger.

I love burgers, and I love burger places. It’s long been a goal of mine to sample all the top-rated chains, in order to definitively choose a winner. But, growing up in the midwest and now living in Colorado, with limited visits west, I’ve not been able to hit the place most people consider to be at the top.

That’s going to change in a few weeks, as I’ll finally be taking a trip that puts me in proximity to a few In-n-Out locations. If you’re curious, I’d have Five Guys at the top of my current list, ahead of places like Shake Shack and Culver’s (which were very similar, in my opinion.) This is likely something you don’t care about, but I’m sure deep-down everyone has a constantly curated list of fast casual burger rankings. Right? It’s not just me? It is? Oh.

Never mind.

Iceland handles England 2-1, advances to Euro 2016 Quarters

PARIS, FRANCE – JUNE 22: Iceland (Photo by Shaun Botterill/Getty Images)

England is the Notre Dame of soccer. Hype, expectations, talented roster, vaunted history, and a limited amount of recent success, with a tendency to fold when it most matters. Iceland is a country of 323,002 people, roughly the population of Riverside, California. These two countries matched up yesterday in the Round of 16, and the narrative had England as heavy favorites. Because at major tournaments, the narrative always seems to have them as heavy favorites, despite their fairly substantial history of playing to a sum less than their parts.

Iceland, meanwhile, hadn’t lost a game in the tournament, and in qualifying had beaten the Netherlands twice, and the Czech Republic and Turkey once each to qualify with games to spare. And though their roster isn’t full of Premier League stars, if you watched yesterday’s match, you wouldn’t have known.

England actually led early after a deserved penalty kick from Wayne Rooney, but Iceland responded immediately to equalize:

And then, very shortly after, they took the lead:

England tightened up from there, never really threatening aside from a few soft Harry Kane headers right at the keeper. And in the end, as the final whistle blew, newly-beloved Icelandic announcer Gudmundur Benediktsson absolutely lost his mind:

Iceland remains unbeaten at the Euros, which is their first ever major tournament appearance. They’ll play the hosts, France, in the quarterfinals on Sunday. England goes home, their poor performance roasted by everyone, including match commentators Ian Darke and Steve McManaman. They’ll also be looking for a new manager; Roy Hodgson already resigned. During the press conference, essentially. I’m sure the next guy will be the one able to select a team and get them to play well together on the biggest stages.

Kris Bryant conquers Great American Ballpark

CINCINNATI, OH – JUNE 27: Kris Bryant #17 of the Chicago Cubs rounds the bases after a home run against the Cincinnati Reds in the third inning of the game at Great American Ball Park on June 27, 2016 in Cincinnati, Ohio. (Photo by Joe Robbins/Getty Images)

Listen, I could probably go on and on about how great Kris Bryant is, but in all fairness I am a Cubs fan, so that brings some #bias questions into the mix that I’d rather not deal with. Suffice to say, he’s great. He’s also only 24, so he hopefully has many years ahead. But yesterday might be the game of his career. Bryant went 5-5 with three homers and two doubles.

A few were absolute monsters, too:


Those were powdered. The catcher’s reaction after the last one is my favorite part. But again, he also had two doubles! And the Cubs ended up needing most of those runs, because Jake Arrieta is just a bit off, and their middle relief is not inspiring confidence. Bryant’s game was quite rare:


And of course someone decided to try and be funny on Twitter:

What a performance.

Quick Hits

-You don’t see a good human cannonball anymore, but the last great bastion of crowd-pleasing sideshow entertainment, minor league baseball, is here to fix that. I mean, the circus exists too, of course. But…

-In Monday’s other Euro game, Italy knocked defending champion Spain out, 2-0.

-Fred Hoiberg called Robin Lopez “Brook” at a press conference. Whoops.

-Denzel Washington is a fan of Denzel Valentine. If there was another famous Denzel, I’d make a joke about how they likely are all fans of each other, but I think it’s just those two guys.

-Washington’s Lucas Giolito, one of the top prospects in baseball, is set to take the mound for his major league debut today.

-Adam Wainwright almost replicated Randy Johnson’s bird-explosion, but thankfully (or, I guess, regrettably if you hate birds/are twisted) it was a near-miss:

-Our Game of Thrones season finale recap lives here; I won’t spoil anything, but man, can you believe the thing that happened? Can’t believe that character did that thing! Or then that other character, who did that other thing? Wow. (It’s a tough show to discuss without spoilers.)

-Thought this piece from Ian on the intersection of sports and politics was really fascinating.

-Via Deadspin, how to play pickup basketball without making everyone else hate you. This is a skill more people should learn. Three quick things: pass more, don’t call fouls, even if you were fouled, and don’t be a tool.

-The Olympic basketball team surprised a basketball clinic in Harlem, leading to awesome:

-Novak Djokovic is sort of weird, and he’s added some kind of signature celebration. That’s also weird.

-Keith Olbermann teed of on a Rogers executive. Angry Keith is hilarious, even though now I just picture him as his anchor whale character in Bojack Horseman, Tom Jumbo-Grumbo. The network is MSNBSea!

-Speaking of folks with contentious relationships with ESPN, Curt Schilling says he’d be willing to go back if ESPN were under new ownership. So…he’s not going back.

A Fake Headline I Wish Was Real

Mello Yello Purchased For First Time Since 1993

One Last Breath of Gratuitous Procrastination

I’m doing a summer theme of dogs in pools this week. Which was just decided when I saw this:

Weiner Dog Belly Flop

About Jay Rigdon

Jay is a columnist at Awful Announcing. He is not a strong swimmer. He is probably talking to a dog in a silly voice at this very moment.