COLUMBUS, OH - NOVEMBER 12: Sam Gagne #89 of the Columbus Blue Jackets skates against the St. Louis Blues on November 12, 2016 at Nationwide Arena in Columbus, Ohio. Columbus defeated St. Louis 8-4. (Photo by Jamie Sabau/NHLI via Getty Images)

NHL Mailbag: All the questions, Blue Jackets’ sacrifice, Mandy Patinkin, Blashill blame

The NHL Mailbag is back and we are doing something special this week — we are answering every question received. Not one will be left out. Except the ones that are so vague and reference a thing no one here will understand without like 100 words of explaining.

Also, it’s less “we” answering the questions as it is “I” who is answering the questions. I’m not even going to bother to tease them. Just read. Please. Your participation is important in this process. And now, the mailbag!

1. BJs On The Rise?

I assume nothing. They’re 7-4-2, yeah, but they’re not good, so maybe they sacrificed a mannequin or a doll. Their positive goal differential is almost entirely based on a fluky 10-0 win against the Canadiens. They’re 28th in score-adjusted Fenwick (46.8 percent) and have a 104.1 PDO. They’ve probably got a six-game losing streak coming in the near future.

2. Turn It Around

The one that paid me the most. Plain and simple. If you want a championship, you have to give me money, preferably American currency. I don’t play favorites. I have no affection for any perennially bad team. They did it to themselves. Hit me up with an e-mail, Columbus Blue Jackets.

3. Coy-no-tes

Hot take: It’s great and the Coyotes deserve a new facility!

4. North-South Game

Rutgers. You get below New Brunswick, you’re in South Jersey. You get above New Brunswick, you’re in North Jersey. I know that Rutgers is technically located in Central Jersey, but once I’m a short drive from Hoagie Haven, that’s South Jersey.

5. Holi-Daves

Who cares? Sure. Do whatever you want.

6. Avs and Av-nots

Absolutely not. They’re the worst team in the best division. Patrick Roy was a garbage coach, but having to replace him so late in the offseason really screwed over the team. You know you’re beloved in the hockey media when you’re not getting raked over the coals after what he did. Can you imagine if any other coach in any other profession just quit because he had the sads about his role within the team?

I can see them being the team in Central that misses the playoffs, but has more points than whoever finishes third in the Pacific. The Avs should be OK next season.

7. Isle Of Discontent

Jesus. They got to the second round last year. And the playoffs the year before that. Cry me a freaking river.

8. Canadave

Not yet. I have yet to receive a substantial job offer — Calgary Flames GM is beneath me — and all 11 of my marriage proposals to Canadian women were rejected. You think you’re better than me, Feist??? You are, but that’s not the point.

9. [Hamilton Play Reference]

I have no idea what it would look like. It would almost have to include Marc-Andre Fleury. And maybe one of those young Penguins defensemen too. But if Brian Elliott stays in Calgary, then it would have to involve something else.

I can’t imagine being a Penguins fan, a fan of the best team in the NHL and defending Stanley Cup champion, and being concerned with whether they get Dougie freaking Hamilton during or after the season.

10. Mars Attacks

Canadian Football, because that sport has rouges and Mars is the red planet. Thanks for the question.

11. Goalie Down

I don’t know. Random chance and brittle ligaments.

12. Girar-A

Never send me a question again.

13. Prepare To Die

I’m really baffled by his recent television career. So he was on Criminal Minds for three years, but left because he was felt the material was too violent. Four years later, he’s on Homeland, a show about domestic terrorism. What gives there? I’ve never seen a second of Homeland, but I’m guessing it’s just as, if not more, violent and terrifying than some CBS procedural. Did he just not think he’d ever need money again, then realize he needed a job so he took the Homeland gig?

I also think about how he was Inigo Montoya in The Princess Bride and how that was 30 freaking years ago and how we are all slowly getting closer and closer to death. Basically, Mandy Patankin makes me think about questionable career decisions and my mortality, so I feel very close to him.

14. Four Score

I don’t understand this question at all. Does having good hockey players on a line that traditionally has had bad hockey players make the game boring? The Rangers decided to stop having no-talent guys on their fourth line this season and now they are scoring four goals per game, which would be like scoring nine goals per game in the 1980s. How is that boring? You get something out of watching Shawn Thornton clumsily fumble a puck every other shift?

Boy, this question has made me mad. This is why I filter.

15. Happenstance

The Haps is the nickname of Quentin Hapsburg, the bad guy in The Naked Gun 2½, played beautifully by Robert Goulet.

16. Burrit-no

Based on the chains in my area and leaving out the local ones I enjoy, 1) Qdoba, 2) Chipotle. I can’t tell you how disappointed I was with the chorizo at Chipotle. I’m not even sure how they can legally call it chorizo. As someone that could eat chorizo for every meal, I wanted to throw the burrito at the wall behind the counter. I’m working through my food-related anger issues.

17. Fight On

Fighting is unnecessary and adds nothing to a hockey game. Watching pitchers bat is just boring.

18. Baby Don’t Hurt Me

Cleaning up someone’s puke and putting them in your bed without having them shower or brush their teeth first.

19. Too Much Men

Because at some point, you’re going to run out of dudes and you’re going to have a 5-on-3 happening in your zone. I’m pretty sure if 10 dudes jump on the ice, the referees can eject all of them in one fell swoop.

20. Will Full Ignorance

Anchorman. I’m basic. Much like Season 4 of Arrested Development, I will never watch the Anchorman sequel.

21. Don’t Care One…

MarIOTA! Seriously, I almost didn’t even use this question. I’m out of gas.

22. Having A Blashill

He could very easily be a bad coach, but that Red Wings team is a mess compared to where it was two years ago. They’re hanging around .500 right now, mostly because Jimmy Howard stepped in it before the season. If you’re near the bottom of the league in Fenwick adjusted and near the top in PDO, bad things are coming.

How much is Blashill and how much is Ken Holland making years of bad decisions along with the retirement of Pavel Datsyuk? It’s hard to say. Both will probably be fired before we can say for sure.

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