Monday evening, Tom Campbell decided to unleash a tweet on the college football world that caused everyone to drop what they were doing and immediately become experts in primate ownership.
I'm hearing a repot from a credible source that Texas Longhorns Special Teams Coach Jeff Banks' monkey allegedly attacked and seriously hurt a young Trick-or-Treater last night on Halloween.
The monkey's jaws apparently had to be pried off the small child.
— Tom Campbell (@thomasgcampbell) November 1, 2021
I’m hearing a report from a credible source that Texas Longhorns Special Teams Coach Jeff Banks’ monkey allegedly attacked and seriously hurt a young Trick-or-Treater last night on Halloween,” said Campbell. “The monkey’s jaws apparently had to be pried off the small child.”
You have our attention.
Along with establishing whether or not this was real, it was first established that, yes, Banks has a girlfriend, a stripper (who goes professionally by the name Pole Assassin) who has a pet monkey that is also part of her act.
🤣😂You CAN NOT make this 💩 up!!!!😂🤣
The Longhorns just hired Jeff Banks who left his wife and kids to be with a stripper named Pole Assassin who has been on Jerry Springer and has a pet monkey who is a part of her stripping act!🤣😂
Which ‘Core Value’ is this again!?🤣😂🤣 pic.twitter.com/h4tujmTfQn
— Clayton Mott (@MottThunder2) January 15, 2021
It was then confirmed that the girlfriend had indeed invited kids to come over and visit a haunted house/maze on the property between 7:00 and 9:30 p.m., with adults being allowed to stick around until 11:00 p.m.
— Tom Campbell (@thomasgcampbell) November 2, 2021
It was around this time that Danielle made the mistake of tweeting through it. She began by launching right into her defense, which was not to deny that the monkey attack happened but to explain why the monkey attack may have been justified!
https://twitter.com/dani_andjb/status/1455353689418473477
https://twitter.com/dani_andjb/status/1455362308864098307
And that’s when she even went to the length to post a narrated video (since deleted) explaining why her monkey was within its rights to attack the offending child.
Don’t worry folks I got the #MonkeyGate video pic.twitter.com/TAy6leBqDS
— Christian Sykes (@ctsykes13) November 2, 2021
She even went as far as to respond to people on Twitter to set the record straight.
And, now that she and her monkey were Twitter’s main characters, everyone got involved as well.
https://twitter.com/Popehat/status/1455370457801273344
Just to review:
-Jeff Banks leaves wife and kids for stripper known as Pole Assassin (featured on Jerry Springer).
-Texas hires Jeff Banks as special teams coordinator
-Pole Assassin’s monkey (who performs with her) allegedly attacks a trick-or-treater last night— Unnecessary Roughness (@UnnecRoughness) November 2, 2021
We’re guessing that by the time you read this, the #MonkeyGate story has developed even further. We’re all just happy to be on this journey with you and good luck to Jeff Banks on his future endeavors.
And just to make sure we’re all clear, here’s where we ended up as of the time of this posting:
Just to recap, the Special Teams coach at Texas, who played for Mike Price at Alabama, left his wife for a former stripper, who went by the name of Pole Assassin. That former stripper’s pet monkey, who performed with her when she was the Pole Assassin, bit a kid on Halloween.
— Bunkie Perkins (@BunkiePerkins) November 2, 2021
About Sean Keeley
Along with writing for Awful Announcing and The Comeback, Sean is the Managing Editor for Comeback Media. Previously, he created the Syracuse blog Troy Nunes Is An Absolute Magician and wrote 'How To Grow An Orange: The Right Way to Brainwash Your Child Into Rooting for Syracuse.' He has also written non-Syracuse-related things for SB Nation, Curbed, and other outlets. He currently lives in Seattle where he is complaining about bagels. Send tips/comments/complaints to sean@thecomeback.com.