Michael Phelps, human Olympic hero, raced a shark to kick off Discovery Channel’s Shark Week, because that’s something for which we’ve been crying out.
He didn’t actually race a shark, of course. He wasn’t in the water with a shark, which would have been something worth watching, because it’s not every day you get a chance to see an Olympian masticated by a megalodon. (That’s an awful sentence, I apologize.)
Rather, he was superimposed alongside a shark that was enticed to swim the same 100 meter distance in open water, with Phelps aided by a weird dolphin fin thing.
Here’s the ending:
He lost! Granted, just by two seconds, which I guess is somewhat impressive, considering he’s a person and a shark is a shark; it’s certainly a more competitive showing than Kobayashi turned in against that grizzly.
Still, as we all know, under joint maritime and Olympic law, Michael Phelps must now cede his Olympic medals to the shark.
Also, there’s a non-zero chance Vladimir Putin attempts to naturalize that shark in time for the 2020 Olympics.