Pop CultureBy Yaron Weitzman on

OK, some housekeeping first. Since there are two episodes for this week’s The Bachelorette and we didn’t make it to the Rose Ceremony during Part I on Monday night, there’s not going to be much shakeup in this version of our Power Rankings. Also, we’re going to skip the general recap portion of this post and dive right into some thoughts on the Man of the Hour.

First off: Chad is clearly on steroids. I state this not as a witty one-liner but as a matter of fact. Human beings aren’t built like that, no matter how frequently they pump iron and ingest protein. The dude would stand out in an NFL locker room.

I also have no doubt that what we’re seeing from him is roid rage. “There’s no way I could have brought steroids here,” Chad said to Chris Harrison towards the end of the episode when asked about the accusations being lobbed at him. No denial, no shock or offense. Just a simple, “Nah bro, there’s was no way I could have brought them here with me.”

So fine, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, and now that we know why, exactly, Chad is coming off like a villain in a cheesy Karate Kid-like ’80s film (punching doors, threatening and shoving housemates), we can talk about all the inane things we saw him do Monday night.

Tops among them: Here he is, eating a raw and whole yam.

Which, naturally, he decided to wash down with some crispy iceberg lettuce.

The Chadpocalypse (TM) kicked off when Chad had the audacity to suggest that he’d prefer to skip out on the group date he was invited on because he had no interested in sharing JoJo with “12 other dudes.” In real life, this would make sense. Of course, nothing about The Bachelorette has anything to do with real life.

But in this whacked-out universe, rejecting a group date invitation is akin to being offered a chance to chill with the Queen of England but turning it down. The deifying of the bachelor/ette is actually one of my favorite aspects of the series. They get treated like Game of Thrones royalty. Speak ill of them, or reject an invitation into their presence, or interrupt them in public, and the rest of the house will mount your head on a spike.

It’s a really healthy way to find your life partner. I’m sure this power balance creates ZERO issues for the final couple later on. 

So anyway, Chad announcing how annoyed he was to be going on the group date offended those who weren’t even invited. We see this subplot play out every season. Yawn. Except this time Evan, our resident Erectile Dysfunction Specialist, who is about the size of one of Chad’s biceps, decided that he had had enough. The group date activity was a trip to some sort of comedy show where the men would have to share their most embarrassing sex stories. Evan thought this would be the perfect time to lob steroid jokes at Chad.

How’d that go for you, bro?

After that, all hell broke loose. Chad tried kissing JoJo on stage at the group date—only to get rejected.

He then punched a wall. He then threatened Evan. He then threatened everyone in the house. He then kept interrupting JoJo during her one-on-one time with the other guys. JoJo then defaulted to the Bachelorette classic, “When Chad’s with me, I see a soft and sensitive side, so I don’t know what’s going on.” A guy donning a security shirt was brought in, apparently while Chad was sleeping.

I’m assuming the security wasn’t armed and so have no idea what difference he could make if Chad, who I believe has 100 pounds on this man, were to actually go native — which it seems will happen Tuesday night, at least according to the preview. I have a feeling this will be the last time we see Chad.

I do wonder how much of this is being staged and orchestrated by the producers, or Chad himself. What I do know, though: the dude has been the best part of the season thus far. I’m not ready for the inevitable transition from focusing on drama in the mansion to hearing how JoJo truly feels about each of these clowns.

And with that, we’ll get back to our regular Power Rankings. As always, last week’s rankings are in parenthesis.

STILL HERE:

1. Jordan (1): You know why Jordan hasn’t gotten a group date invite yet? Because JoJo already knows she wants him. I mean just look at this:

Yeah, it’s over. JoJo even fell for all his BS. When Jordan told her, “I think I’ve been very good at positioning myself not to get my heart broken,” professional athlete speak for “I’ve spent the past few years cleaning up at local bars and clubs,” JoJo leaned her head on his shoulder and bought in. “You’re so cool,” she said a few minutes later.

No argument here.

He also hit Chad with a scorching burn, which really served as the catalyst for all the craziness that occurred later on.

Jordan Rodgers is the man!

Just one addendum: At one point, Jordan said to JoJo, “Im so attracted to you, I have a feeling I haven’t had in a really long time.” Dude, not sure you should be sharing that on your second date, but if it’s really a problem, go speak to Evan.

2. Luke (2): Was he even in the house this week, or did he take some sort of vacation?

3. Chase (10): JoJo’s first one-on-one date of the night, and he responded with an MVP-like performance. First off, he didn’t fart during the yoga session. Very impressive, and very difficult to pull off. Then again, I’m not sure I consider this yoga. But still, props are in order.

But things got hot and heavy later on. The pose below, apparently, is something called yib yab yoga. I guess “Dry Humping” doesn’t have the same mysterious ring to it.

Screen Shot 2016-06-07 at 10.05.39 AM

“I feel like I connected with him,” JoJo said.

Go on.

“It just felt really good.”

I’m sure it did.

But Chase—who has the personality of a rock, meaning he’d make a perfect Bachelor if things don’t work out with him and JoJo (he’s also white, so he’s definitely in the running)—really stepped up his game during the evening portion of the date.

To have a chance on The Bachelorette, you need to explain why you’re still single. The answer can’t just be something banal like, “I’ve been trying to find myself.” No, there has to be a wound. Maybe you were cheated on a few years ago, and ever since have been afraid to open yourself up to another person. Chase dropped the Child of Divorce card. Did it work?

Yeah, I’d say so.

4. Derek (3): He was a stud last week. This time, he was left home during the group date. I’m assuming that because JoJo knows she’s feeling his game.

5. Robby (4): He’s got all the physical tools, but has done nothing to separate himself.

6. James Taylor (5): Our second one-on-date of the episode—and he actually seems like a guy I’d enjoy hanging out with. He’s fun, kind of goofy, looks pretty normal… unfortunately, none of those qualities are what people who try to find their husband on reality TV find appealing.

As for the date, Chase got to strip down to his abnormally tight shorts and have JoJo mount him during his. What did James Taylor get?

A trip back to the ’50s.

Sometimes, life’s just not fair.

If James Taylor truly wants JoJo, he’s going to have to whip out the one thing he has that no else in the house does.

I’m, obviously, talking about his guitar.

7. Christian (7): Another non-factor last night.

8. Grant (8): And here I thought this guy was a stiff. Turns out he actually a good sense of humor and personality. That story he told on stage about getting arrested while having sex for the first time was well presented and entertaining.

If he weren’t black, he might actually have a chance.

9. Wells (9): Did his sex story involve lots of farting? Is that what we saw in that three-second glimpse?

10. Ali (11): Has he said five words all season?

11. Saint Nick (12): See Ali.

12. James F (13): “Mom,” James said to the camera prior to sharing his sex story, “you have to turn the TV off now.” Dude, you’re a 34-year-old boxer looking for love on reality TV. Believe me, she already did.

13. Alex (14):  One of the leaders of the We All Hate Chad pack. That’s his only purpose in the house right now.

So shoo him all you want…

… but you dropped a Fast and Furious mantra—”ride or die”—during your one-on-one time with JoJo, and not ironically. The minute Chad leaves, you’re out too.

14. Vinny (15): I’ll be shocked if he doesn’t get sent home Tuesday night. It was fun, though, watching him throw on his James Lipton hat and lob deep interview questions at Chad towards the end of the episode.

15. Daniel: He and Chad started off like this:

And ended like this:

RIP, Chaniel.

On a related note, I’d love for ABC to broadcast an hour of Daniel sharing his geopolitical views.

16. Evan (16): Evan, Evan, Evan. (Or E-Money, as someone in the house, hilariously, referred to him. I don’t think in the history of Evans, there’s been one less deserving of the E-Money moniker). I’m all for standing up for yourself. But sometimes you just have to swallow your pride. Your cute little squats aren’t going to save you.

Want some more advice? When you make fun of a man four times your size, it might not be the best idea to remain near him afterwards.

How about even more advice: Don’t poke the bear when you’re on a reality TV show about a woman looking for a man when doing so is going to make you look like a giant sissy any time the bear is near you. I mean, just look at Evan’s face in that clip above. I don’t blame him; Chad is terrifying. But Evan’s not exactly coming off as Mr. Masculine either.

As for the group date rose that JoJo gave Evan: Yeah, I’m not buying it. No way she wants to marry a ED specialist who’s a father of three. That was decision was all the producers; you know, to see how Chad would handle it. Also, was I the only one praying that JoJo, after being given the “send Chad home or I’m leaving” ultimatum by Evan would choose Chad? That would have been so great.

Lines of the Night

1. “He values the sanctity of marriage.” — JoJo on Chase.

Those who go searching for their future wives on reality TV usually do.

2. “Boys, guess what, Daddy made out with JoJo.” — Evan.

3. “She’s tied up at this point, and I always carry a knife” — Daniel.

See you tomorrow for Part II.

About Yaron Weitzman

Yaron Weitzman is a freelance writer based in New York whose work frequently appears on The Comeback, SB Nation and in SLAM Magazine. He's also been published on SB Nation Longform, The Cauldron, Tablet Magazine and in the Journal News. Yaron can be followed on Twitter @YaronWeitzman

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