31. The German group is still hanging around wherever the hell this movie takes place, so of course they are there and of course the battle comes down to them and the evil bad people in this movie, The Bellas.
32. The rest of the world’s top groups are comprised of people that all attended Barton college, which is a wild coincidence. Apparently the setting of this movie is to acappella singing the way Pennsylvania is to high school wrestling.
33. The David Cross Dave & Buster’s acappella showdown comprises 14 minutes of this movie. This is a 14-minute singoff where you know The Bellas are losing because that’s what has to happen at this point. The run time of this movie is 115 minutes, which means a singing showdown involving Clay Matthews takes up about 12 percent of this movie. This has to be when most people walked out of the theater.
34. Beca is heartbroken but not about the loss. She’s upset that none of the Packers know any baseball GMs, so she can’t get the tryout she desires. The group gets mad at Beca because she’s distracted by her perfect pitch dreams. It causes tension because Beca skipped to the Snoop Dogg tryout to do this gift card battle.
35. I didn’t time it, but another 14 minutes or so is dedicated to a stupid-ass romance between Fat Amy and Bumper, who is forced into this movie as a campus security guard. This movie is so god damn stupid. What is this world where people are clinging to singing groups in college three years after they graduate? Jesus, I am so mad just thinking about how mad I was when I was watching this. Where was I?
36. Oh, yeah, the romance. There are two ridiculous ones in this movie. If you gutted this and David Cross scene, you might have a watchable movie.
37. Then again, watchable is all subjective. Why are people paying good money to watch actors sing songs by other bands? How did this ever become a thing? “I loved Anna Kendrick in Up In The Air. Now, while I want to see her do more acting in the fields of drama and comedy, I’d prefer to hear her sing ‘90s songs with other women pretending to be college-aged in a movie where the plot just seems to get in the way of the cover songs.” This movie would be a million times better and honest if there were no attempt at a story and it was just men and women singing acappella for 80 minutes. This movie is karaoke that takes it self way too seriously, which is the worst kind of karaoke.
38. Why is Katey Sagal in this?
39. Are there any other people at this school? Who pays for the house these people live in?
40. Why are they going on a retreat? There’s no reason to OHHHHH IT’S THE MEAN BELLA FROM THE FIRST MOVIE GOTTA GET EVERYONE FROM THE FIRST MOVIE IN THE SECOND ONE!
41. How do a bunch of college-aged women know all the lyrics to Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy on the spot? You know the scene in She’s All That where everyone suddenly can do a choreographed dance at the prom? How are these people able to coordinate songs from at least 25 years ago that probably aren’t well-known to young people with varying socioeconomic and cultural backgrounds? God, I hate this movie so much. I can’t believe there’s a third one coming. How do you young people eat this crap up?
42. Oh great, a retreat montage. Watching everyone jump into a lake is important to the story that is nearly two hours.
https://youtu.be/qbZL4GBe8iM
43. “This has been my family for seven years.” Does Chloe have parents? Who is paying her tuition at this point? She has zero income. Did she murder her parents to collect the insurance that allows her to pay tuition and rent? Now there’s a subplot I’d like to see in this movie.
44. This movie should be over by now.
45. Off to Copenhagen to win worlds now that the group’s singing problems have been solved by camping. Actually, wait. Hang on.
46. WHO IS PAYING FOR THIS TRIP TO COPENHAGEN???
47. THE SCHOOL HAS CUT THEM OFF AND WON’T LET THEM COMPETE HOW CAN THEY AFFORD THIS???
48. How many Bellas are there? Ten? A flight from Atlanta (if this is not where this movie takes place, I’m sorry, but I don’t care to look it up) to Copenhagen is about $1,000. So before we factor in hotel cost for, say, three nights, we are already at $10,000 for unemployed college students that have been disowned by their school. Let’s say for three nights in a hotel, it’s $600, and that’s being gracious. That’s another $6,000. This a trip that’s costing unemployed women with no affiliation or obvious sponsorships around $20,000. If they had won the $42,000 gift card as a way of paying for the Copenhagen trip, I’d be way less angry as I type these words with blood leaking from my eyes.
49. We now move onto needless romantic storyline No. 2 — Awkward Nerd Guy With Like Five Lines In The First Movie and New Freshman Girl. It’s, as the kids say, problematic. Nerd Guy asks her out the first time they meet. She says no. At the Dave & Buster’s rap battle, he says some weird shit to her and she’s not feeling it. Then they talk in front of a bus with a terrorist threat he wrote on it. There’s nothing happening. Then, uninvited, Nerd Guy flies to Denmark, slips past world championship security and surprises her in her dressing room. In real life, this is where the socially awkward white guy attacks the freshman that rejected him multiple times. In this movie, this is where they kiss for some reason. I’m 2,500 words into this and I still don’t think I’ve properly conveyed the putridness of this movie.
50. The German group takes the stage. These people have been propped up as an unbeatable force with edgy performances that wow judges. As much as I want this movie to end, I’m sort of enjoying Das whatever and want to see what they do. I’m also slightly invested here because I know whatever they do will eventually be topped when the Bellas win, so I’m all-in here. This is the payoff. Let’s have it!
https://youtu.be/p9qDe8DHZY8
51. They perform an acappella version of Fall Out Boy’s “Light A Mup.”
52. I’m not kidding.
53. This entire movie has been building toward “Light A Mup” with German accents.
54. While they are performing this disappointing routine, The Bellas are watching from off stage with looks of, “Damn, how do we beat them?” How? By doing literally any other song. I am confused by millennials. This much is obvious. I only discovered The National like three years ago. I get I’m overmatched here. But in what world is Fall Out Boy’s “Light A Mup” commanding this much respect? Jesus.
55. The unnecessary podcast team with way too much money to burn if they are flying to Copenhagen just to do a podcast just said of The Bellas, “If they lose, they are done as an acappella group.”
56. Admittedly, I have zoned out by this point of the movie, but aren’t they all seniors? Isn’t this the end one way or the other? Win, place, show, they even said as much during the weird-ass camp part of the movie that they were all moving on. I don’t get the stakes here.
57. I finished watching this movie about 90 minutes ago and I don’t remember what the Bellas did to win worlds. Maybe they did some sort of vagina/ass thing to send a statement to the world that telling a woman that she’s a disgrace because she accidentally revealed her vagina/ass on a stage is wrong and frankly offensive. Let’s say they did a Short Dick Man/Magic Stick mashup that won over the free-thinking European crowd. No, wait, they clapped.
58. You’re probably wondering if Beca throws the perfect pitch. Well, that makes two of us. With a third movie coming, you knew they’d stretch out that storyline. But after the credits, Beca is sitting on a park bench listening to music when a guy spills coffee on her. As she’s about to lose her mind, as the coffee ruined her laptop, she looks up to see it’s Clayton Kershaw of the Los Angeles Dodgers!
59. He’s genuinely sorry and says he’s willing to pay for a new computer. Beca takes this opportunity to further her dream of throwing the perfect pitch. He says he’ll do anything to make it right and she says, “Let’s just say, if you’re looking for an idea for how to make us even, I have…” then she looks at the camera “… the perfect pitch!”
60. The screen goes black. And just like that, we have our appetites whetted for Pitch Perfect 3: Slider Into Your DMs.
