With a new year soon to begin, what should potential NBA playoff teams resolve to accomplish in 2017?
Just over two months into the NBA season, a mixture of expected contenders and prodigious playmakers have arisen.
In the East, the Cavaliers and Raptors sit one game apart from each other while the succeeding nine teams are separated by a mere four-and-a-half games. Essentially, there’s no need to watch one of those games until the Eastern Conference Finals. On the contrary, the West has supplied an abundance of intrigue, led by Oklahoma City’s Russell Westbrook averaging an absurd triple-double stat line.
As we approach 2017, there are plenty of rational New Year’s Resolutions that each of the teams in the NBA playoff picture could aspire to. But with the playoffs more than four months away, let’s pretend reality doesn’t exist and try to have a bit of fun instead.
Eastern Conference
1. Cleveland Cavaliers (24-7): After LeBron James and company stormed back from a 14-point fourth quarter deficit against the Golden State Warriors on Christmas Day, a brilliant business idea has arrived for general manager David Griffin: “14-point lead” merchandise. Because a 3-1 lead is out of style at this point.
2. Toronto Raptors (22-10): Since DeMar DeRozan already stole some of Kobe Bryant’s moves to generate the fifth-highest scoring output in the league (27.4 points per game), why not try to emulate Drake’s rapping ability? I’m sure the rapper could pass him some notes while sitting courtside.
3. Boston Celtics (19-14): Isaiah Thomas is stringing together his most impressive season yet, averaging 26.9 points per contest. Now, the only thing left for the 5-foot-9 guard to do is dunk over a Hassan Whiteside-like presence. That’s not asking for much, is it?
4. Charlotte Hornets (19-14): Michael Jordan shouldn’t have to own a franchise and bear witness to the Crying Jordan meme on a daily basis. That’s cruel. Hence, the ex-NBA star might want to consider selling the franchise and move to North Korea with former teammate Dennis Rodman.
Joakim Noah #NBAVote pic.twitter.com/tDOyH9itbn
— Soy Knickerbocker (@KnickerbockerSB) December 28, 2016
5. New York Knicks (16-15): Speaking of agony, Joakim Noah’s four-year, $72 million contract looks to be smacking owner James Dolan in the face. The center is averaging only 5.2 points and 8.3 rebounds per contest. At this point, shipping him off along with Jordan and Rodman is an option worth considering.
6. Atlanta Hawks (16-16): Following a recent seven-game losing streak, head coach Mike Budenholzer bunch finds itself in an inconsistent funk. But if Budenholzer starts dressing up as his former co-worker Gregg Popovich, the group’s probable fear could turn into improved play.
7. Chicago Bulls (16-16): With Dwayne Wade and Rajon Rondo brought in over the offseason, the Bulls’ shooting has taken a major hit, sitting dead-last in the league in three-pointers per game (with six). For GM Gar Forman to stop the panic, he must reel sharp-shooter Reggie Miller out of retirement.
8. Milwaukee Bucks (15-15): Giannis Antetokounmpo really is the “Greek Freak” after all. He leads the Bucks in points (23.4), rebounds (nine), assists (5.9), steals (2.0) and blocks (1.8) per contest. But beyond Jabari Parker (19.9 ppg), no one else contributes stable production. Hey, GM John Hammond, is the cloning machine ready yet?
Western Conference
https://vine.co/v/52lUnJYiJMu
1. Golden State Warriors (28-5): Although the Warriors nabbed Kevin Durant is the offseason, the combination of him, Steph Curry, Klay Thompson and Draymond Green still doesn’t provide enough star-power. Thus, the team could add Dancing Sweater Mom to its bench to bring some extra creativity to the unit.
2. San Antonio Spurs (26-6): From Tim Duncan to Kawhi Leonard, the organization has possessed a quiet, humble player in the pilot role of late. In order to help Leonard develop his voice, the team should look into signing him up for Rasheed Wallace’s leadership class. The first course begins with screaming “ball don’t lie” for four-straight hours.
3. Houston Rockets (24-9): Under veteran head coach Mike D’Antoni, the Rockets’ fast-pace offense dials up the second-highest points per game output in the NBA (113.8), as well as the most three-pointers per contest (14.9). Nevertheless, if D’Antoni wants to suddenly put James Harden in an awkward situation, in which he’s forced to actually defend, a methodical offensive approach appears to be the correct path.
4. Los Angeles Clippers (22-12): Playing for your pops might seem like fun in first grade until you experience the player-coach relationship at the professional level. Considering head coach Doc Rivers isn’t under enough stress due to their current four-game skid, son Austin Rivers could attempt to get to know his dad through asking for a trade. Family first.
https://youtu.be/tYt06Ko6RkA
5. Utah Jazz (20-13): Not only does 7-foot-1, 245-pound Rudy Gobert place first in the league in field goal percentage (69.5), but he has collected at least 10 rebounds and one block in all but three matchups this season. Even though forward Enes Kanter essentially held Gobert’s numbers back for a season and a half during his time in Utah, the two clearly missed one another after their most recent meeting. It’s time to deal him to Oklahoma City, so their friendship can blossom once again.
6. Oklahoma City Thunder (20-13): Left for dead by some once Durant hiked northwest to Golden State, Westbrook’s MVP-like totals have delivered the organization plenty of hope. On top of that, he’s attempting the most shots per game (24) without his former star teammate. Still, the California native could’ve never imagined he’d be handed clearance to jack up that many shots in an NBA affair, so he’ll now have to gun for 30 attempts per contest.
Mike Conley backs out despite having a clear path to the basket on Rudy Gobert and Dante Exum: pic.twitter.com/zIKs7Ufhld
— Andy Larsen (@andyblarsen) December 19, 2016
7. Memphis Grizzlies (21-14): Following an early return from transverse process fractures in his lower back, point guard Mike Conley has endured countless injuries in his career, including a season-ending Achilles injury a season ago and a facial fracture in 2015. Oddly enough, we just received notice that 2,000 pounds worth of bubble wrap was shipped to Memphis, Tennessee.
8. Sacramento Kings (14-18): Even though George Karl no longer mans the Kings’ sidelines, he almost added a fresh chapter to his rotten relationship with DeMarcus Cousins in his new book. However, Karl evidently decided against it. Despite their already tense history, the organization should consider holding a surprise intervention for the two. Expect 50 security guards in attendance, though.
