At the annual ACC Kickoff on Friday, reporters from the Palm Beach Post set out to ask Miami Hurricanes football players, as well as coach Mark Richt, whether a hot dog was a sandwich. And as typically happens when this subject comes up, Richt and the players denied that a hot dog was a sandwich, then offered up flawed explanations to defend their positions.
But the tired conversations about the properties of a sandwich were far less interesting than what came next. For some reason, Richt led the questioners on a passionate diatribe about how best to make a sandwich and how best to eat said sandwich. It starts at 2:52 in this video:
In case you didn’t follow that, here’s a transcrpt.
“Do you want to hear about the 10-bite sandwich? You get your two slices of bread. Let’s go with ham and cheese. You take the bottom slice, put mayonnaise on it, you put your turkey on that, you put your cheese on the turkey, you put your tomato on the cheese and then you put your lettuce on that.
“Excuse me, let me back up. Take two. You put your slice of cheese on the ground—on the table. You put mustard, if it’s ham and cheese, you put mustard on the bottom slice of bread. Then you put your ham. Then you put your tomato. On top of your tomato you put your lettuce. And I like iceberg, lettuce, by the way. My wife says no nutritional value at all. Then you have mayonnaise on top of the lettuce. You want your mayonnaise touching the lettuce. You don’t want mayonnaise touching the ham. I don’t. Then you cut it out of a diagonal. You take a bit out of the end, you take a bite out of the other end, take a bit out of the middle, turn it sideways take a bit, then the last bite. So that’s five bites per side. Then you repeat the process with the other side. That’s the 10-bite sandwich.”.
None of this seems particularly revelatory, and Richt notably messes up ham and turkey at the beginning, but he sounds really convinced that he has developed some sort of brilliant sandwich innovation. Coaches truly seem to think everything they say is brilliant.
My wife, she relented and agreed that the way I make sandwiches are actually better. You take the same ingredients and put them in a different order, it’s not the same. She agreed. I didn’t make her agree.
But wait, there’s more. After a reporter jokes about mayonnaise touching meat, Richt launches into another rant.
The worst thing is when you let the mayonnaise touch the cheese. Let’s say you don’t have mayonnaise—I mean say you don’t have lettuce, and you gotta go just ham and cheese. Don’t let the mayo touch the cheese. Unless you’re making a broiled-cheese sandwich. Then it’s ok.
But none of this beautifully incoherent babble about sandwich-making technique was even the best part of this clip. That would be Richt’s careful diagramming of where to bite a sandwich.
Mark Richt's sandwich philosophy is just amazing: pic.twitter.com/Gk3Ou8thhA
— David Hale (@DavidHaleESPN) July 14, 2017
Did anyone need tips on how to eat a sandwich? No, probably not. Will your sandwich-eating experience be any less fulfilling (or filling) if you, say, take Bite 3 first? Unlikely. But if you ever find yourself eating sandwiches with Mark Richt, you had better think carefully about where you bite..