While this is only the third episode of this hot mess, I cannot help but believe this joke is on us. Once again, the opening sequence mentions that “Sir” wants these women to love him for who he really is. And who he is happens to be a scripted pseudo version of someone completely different. High five.
We first open with Kimberly being awoken in the Skank Suite by some butler who ISN’T Kingsley, but it doesn’t matter because “Sir” has a special surprise for her (a 6 a.m. surprise, no less).
The surprise turns out to be a hot air balloon ride. What’s disheartening is that every time “Sir” does something (walks Rose to a beach, takes Kimberly on a hot air balloon ride, remembers someone’s name), whatever girl he’s doing it to says no one has ever done something that special for her. Yet they still don’t know his name or who he is. Let’s all raise our standards, please.
Meanwhile back at the castle…
OMG Jacqueline is all, “There are definitely (hair toss) mean girls in the castle like Anna Lisa and Meghan.” While Meghan and Rose eavesdrop. While I dry heave. So then Meghan and “Tacky Jackie” (as Anna Lisa calls her) have a conversation. Which by the way, has nothing to do with “Sir,” and has more to do with the producers being like, here is $100 extra dollars — bring out the claws. Incidentally, Tacky Jackie starts referring to “Sir” as Harry.
In fact, we spend more time watching Meghan and Tacky Jackie scratching each other’s eyes out than we do on Kimberly and “Sir’s” mile-high ride, because the ride is BORING, and P.S. they are drinking at like 7 a.m. — which is fine, I guess, if you’re on a jank reality show and being drunk is the only way to get through it.
Surprise #2 for Kimberly is a picnic and a hammock, but “Sir” is nervous that Kim has her guard up. Hi pot, I’m kettle.
Oh — and then the producers plant a fake paparazzo in the woods and has “Sir’s” fake security all chase him out of there and “Sir” is all, “Oh, no big — it’s just the paps,” and Kim is all, “Oh, no big — now I will be in a magazine and they’ll call me Scandalous Girl in the Woods.” Meanwhile I, yours truly, am watching this unfold while chugging wine faster than Maggie, the resident alcoholic, because OH MY GOD ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS????
When Kimberly comes back from her date to tell the other girls about it, she immediately jumps into the part about the Paps, and they all eat it up, and my favorite part is when she says she is going to be in a magazine and the headline will be “American Skank With Sir.” That is the headline SHE came up with!!! Because even though she knows she’s a skank, she doesn’t know this fucking dude’s name, and if he is as important as they think, shouldn’t they know it? I weep.
Carley talks about how she’s too intelligent and pursuing a degree in molecular biology to get involved in the drama. I realize I have no idea who she is. Oh, Sugar Pie.
The next morning, Kingsley announces that Jacqueline, Maggie and Kelley would be going boating with “Sir,” because pretty soon he needs to add another one of them to the Fake Prince Discard Pile and they haven’t had alone time with him. “Sir” acknowledges it would be unfair to send one of them home without getting to know them first.
Upon seeing the boats, Kelley says — I shit you not — “Y’all, this is just like The Notebook.”
Also, it’s warm in England. Did they film this a year ago?
“Sir” is bad at rowing. Maggie likes this because it means he is not perfect at everything.
Then Kelley is all, “HAVE YOU SEEN THE NOTEBOOK?”
Bitch, seriously? What about competing for a dude with nine other girls reminds you of a chick flick?
During picnic time, the three skank-a-doodle-doos ask “Sir” about his brother and how much older he is and if he’s settled. This is only the third episode, but in the previous ones, nobody has bothered to ask, “Do you have a brother?” They just ask him about the brother they assume he has.
No matter what, Kelley is convinced that Sir is Prince Harry. She knows it.
Then Sir asks Kelley to go rowing alone and her immediate thought is that she is reliving The Notebook. HOW IS THIS THE FUCKING NOTEBOOK? I DO NOT FUCKING UNDERSTAND. Please stop talking about that movie. Or in general.
“Sir” asks every girl he is alone with what her dating history is like and they all word-vomit the same B.S. about not having been serious before (BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL TWENTY FUCKING THREE) but they’re totally ready now, hair toss, eyelash bat. Kelley tells “Sir” her dream man is Prince Harry.
And that reminds me of something. When I was in second or third grade, New Kids on the Block was at the height of their popularity. And one of my friends at school claimed to be besties with my fave NKOTB, Joey McIntyre, and swore up and down that he was going to come with her mom to pick us up from school one day. And I believed her to the core. So I guess what I’m saying is that Kelley has the intelligence of an eight year old. Carry on.
Kelley does a backflip in to the river and pseudo-hits her head on the side of the boat, but finds it so amazing you guys that “Sir” dives in after her.
Back at the castle, Kelley is turning into her own little reality show producer, telling all the girls that “Sir” asked her if she were, like, to find a guy in the UK with status or who was famous, who would she like to meet and she was all, “and I SAID prince Harry and he was like… huh.” Which didn’t happen. He asked who her dream man was — sans restrictions. Unless I am already drunk and forgetting things. But I’ve been taking meticulous notes, y’all.
Karina is all, holy cow, “I’m dating Prince Harry.”
Meghan is like “ROAR, MAMA NEEDS ONE-ON-ONE TIME.”
Also, why is Maggie the only one in a towel?
Then Kingsley announces that “Sir” has arranged a pool party.
“Sir” decides the first logical thing to do is have a limbo competition.
THEN “SIR” SAYS HE IS TRYING TO FIND A GENUINE CONNECTION, SO HE SHOULD BRING ONE OR TWO OF THEM TO THE HOT TUB FOR ONE-ON-ONE TIME.
“Sir” picks Meghan.
They make out in the hot tub and she claims kissing is one of her many talents. “Sir” seems impressed. Then Meghan is all “I JUST MADE OUT WITH PRINCE HARRY.”
People who absolutely believe this is Prince Harry: Maggie, Kelley, Meghan, Rose, Kingsley.
People who get the most camera time: Maggie, Kelley, Meghan, Rose, Kingsley.
Just kidding. Or am I?
Then there is twerking.
Meghan makes fun of Carley for not wanting to twerk. I am sure Meghan would also make fun of anyone who didn’t have a Miley Cyrus song as their ringtone.
“Sir” notices Kelley has not taken her eyes off him and ponders whether she has fallen for Prince Harry or fallen for “Sir.” You are pretending they are the same fucking person, spare me you stupid fucking asshole — Jesus.
Kingsley is so creepy. He comes out of nowhere and asks Karina to join “Sir” in the hot tub, and she acts like she has just won the lottery. Because she also thinks he is Prince Harry.
Maggie finds out that Harry slipped Meghan the tongue and she’s pissed. Meghan describes Maggie as someone the Royal Family would not approve of getting piss-ass wasted every night. Maggie reveals she has developed real feelings and is dying to kiss “Sir.” I suspect Maggie would make out with a plant if it got her on TV.
At dinner, Meghan tells everyone “Sir” could be the Pauly D of the UK. Is there any greater insult? Also, given Pauly D’s 2014 relevance, they MUST have filmed this shit in like 2010 and Fox is like, well, we have nothing ELSE to air this summer, so let’s go with this rejected reality show from four years ago, shall we?
Kingsley is some lecherous perv who is asking “Sir” who he did and didn’t make out with. “Sir” says Kelley is not his type.
“Sir” decides he wants to speak to Carley and Karina. The girls who are guaranteed safe because they haven’t been lured in to a one-on-one meeting start stressing about what “Sir” wants. Bitch, please. Enjoy being safe!
“Sir” then adds Carley to the Fake Prince Discard Pile and she says she is grateful for the opportunity (this was not a job interview!) and to not apologize. Carley wasn’t giving “Sir” whatever he was looking for, which is obviously a genuine connection that he can lie about. Karina is excited that she has been elevated to the Skank Suite and for her date with “Harry.”
Can we also discuss Carley’s outfit?
Why is she wearing leather high-waisted underwear? No wonder he eliminated her!
Until next week…