Never read the comments, people. Except when they can be turned into a good column.
Over the past few weeks, I wrote two stories about fighting in hockey. One was about the culture of sticking up for teammates that are contacted while playing a contact sport and the other was about the decline in suspension-worthy hits alongside the decline in hockey the past few years.
There was the usual response wondering if I’ve ever played the game. When you write about the pointlessness of fighting in the NHL, you’re always going to get dudes mad, so it was to be expected. Days passed and we all moved on with our lives.
Then something changed.
I started to get all kinds of notifications on my Facebook page, which no one frequents. People were commenting at an unusually high frequency to tell me I never played the game (and more!), but I wasn’t paying attention. It was the week between Christmas and New Year’s, and I was taking a tiny break from social media. I’d see a notification that Some White Guy commented on a fighting story, but I wasn’t reading them.
Then I played catch-up. Dozens of dudes flooded my fighting stories with comments because some other Facebook page that loves fighting linked to it and was like, “Go get him!” And boy, did they ever. Some of them even left angry emojis. Those hurt the most. To write something I thought was good only to see a red-faced, grimacing emoji face is crushing.
In an effort to respond to criticism in a thoughtful, complete manner, I have compiled all the negative comments on my fighting post (and a bunch more who left comments on stories unrelated to fighting, because commenting can be confusing and difficult for people of a certain intelligence level) and responded to each one in the space that follows. Hopefully, we can all receive some sort of enlightenment from the Facebook comments and my responses. Thank you.
Tom Goodwin writes:
How could you say defending your teammates is stupid? Probably because you never needed to wear a cup because you have a fat pussy.
I explained my reasons for why I think defending teammates is stupid. In your defense, you commented on a Winter Classic story, so I can see how you may have read that and missed the explanation.
As for my “fat pussy,” I’m confused as to why you think a vagina doesn’t need protection and how the size of it would matter. Yes, if I had a “fat pussy” I would not wear a cup, but I would wear a pelvic protector or shield, because I would like to soften the impact of a direct shot with a puck or stick to my special area. Do you think women hockey players don’t opt for padding? I guess I should not be surprised about your lack of knowledge in that area.
And if you’re using “fat pussy,” because that’s something you’ve been called all your life, end the cycle of abuse and wipe that from your vernacular, Tom. We are here for you.
Mitchell Raeck writes:
I think Dave wrote a very good post and I think he has many friends and his penis is of adequate size, and he always wears proper protection for it when participating in sports.
Mitchell here is defending me, and while I’m thankful, nothing he wrote about me is true. Mediocre post, handful of friends, below-average penis, never wore a cup while playing sports.
Ryan Johnson writes:
Dave…do us all a favor and find a new job.
Thank you, Ryan! You think I’m so good at this one that you think I should get another one? How nice of you to say! And I love the ellipsis for dramatic effect.
Paul Vasquez writes:
So are you against standing up for family and friends as well? I consider myself lucky we are not friends or related
I’m glad Paul brought this up (also on the Winter Classic post). He spotted an obvious correlation that is not stupid in any way — if I think fighting after clean or dirty hits in hockey is stupid, I must never stand up for family or friends when they need it. This is 100 percent true. Allow me to tell you a 100 percent real story I’m not making up as I type it.
A few weeks ago, I was charged with picking up my 9-year-old daughter from school. As I sat in my minivan listening to Lena Dunham’s podcast and applying moisturizer to my face, I noticed Anastasia was battling with a bully. It wasn’t so much a bully but her teacher, Mrs. Applebottom. She was calling her stupid because she got a bad grade on a math test and pushed her down some stairs. Did I pause the podcast that featured commentary about celebrity cats and help my daughter?
Of course not. I practice what I preach. Anastasia knew what was up when she got to the fourth grade and she needs to learn to fight back. When she got in the car crying, I didn’t even console her. Why? Because sticking up for teammates in hockey is the exact same thing as defending a loved one that needs assistance. You’ve got it all figured out, Paul.
Lucas Judd writes:
Dude you fucking suck at writing articles and I’ve read 2.
I don’t think someone that’s only read two articles in their whole life can judge mine, which I assume was either No. 3 or No. 2. I also don’t accept opinions of someone who’s never played the game (of writing for money). Maybe you should stick to hockey.
Kel Chwartacki writes:
But you are one giant douche bag and quite frankly suck as any kind of writer.
Defending your teamates has been part of hockey since its beginings.
Your next job should be with the last question being , do you want fries with that!
It always hurts to have your writing criticized by someone that spelled two of 43 words wrong, doesn’t know douchebag is one word and thinks you need a space between a word and a comma. I strive to make people like Kel happy so this is devastating.
And FYI — I’d love to work in fast food. Can I work somewhere that doesn’t sell fries? I’d work in a Taco Bell.
I also don’t understand why you think a comment about writing and hockey fighting on a hockey fighting story is “off topic.”
Brad Hamacher writes:
Can you even skate? C’mon dude. You are not a hockey guy and will never be a hockey guy. Stay in your lane and write about basketball or ultimate frizbee or safety pins and safe spaces. Leave hockey alone please.
One of the great things about these comments are the people that are so offended by the idea of taking fighting out of hockey that they reference safe spaces because they feel I, the person that is putting an unpopular idea among guys like Brad out there, needs the safe space. It’s not Brad, who is crying and typing frantically about getting an idea he doesn’t like out of his face, that needs the safe space.
And what’s a hockey guy? What does that even mean? I bet Brad thinks he’s a hockey guy. He goes to sports bars alone and starts conversations with people who are trying to watch a basketball game. “LeBron is weak. He’d never last in the NHL.”
Rocco Brown says:
With all these Hockey posts you have. I thought you played or at least new about Hockey. I guess you are just upset because you could never hack it. This article is absolutely TERRIBLE!!!
I like how he capitalized Hockey like He in the Bible. That’s how you know Rocco loves the game more than you. “Go forth, Prophet Rocco, and spread thou gospel of Hockey to the masses.”
Imagine if you took Rocco’s tact and believed everyone writing about a thing is only doing so because they couldn’t do that thing. “The crisis of global warming is one of great importance for everyone on Earth, as the rising temperatures indicate we need to take drastic steps to…”
Rocco kicks down a door. “YOU ARE JUST UPSET BECAUSE YOU COULD NEVER BE AS HOT AS THE PLANET AND CAN’T HACK THAT THE PLANET IS HOTTER THAN YOU. THIS ARTICLE IS ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE!!!”
Kevin McGinnis writes:
go into a locker room with that attitude and see what happens…what absolute bullshit.
Kevin has me here. A little-known fact about me, a person that has been inside hockey locker rooms for about eight years — if you mention you don’t think fighting belongs in hockey, the players will fucking kill you. Literally. You were led to believe that Sportsnet laid off a lot of its staff last year but really, they were all murdered in locker rooms for questioning the existence of fighting. Kevin knows what’s up.
But if Kevin is referencing his locker room where he changes before and after his beer league games…lol! You’re not a real player, bud.
Jeff Fiebelkorn writes:
Read this useless cocksucker’s article Brett Remillard
Hey, Jeff — if someone sucks cock, they are by definition not useless. That’s a gift to the world, so nice try, but you played yourself. Also: Hope you enjoyed the article, Brett.
Dan Sherwood writes:
And you know this to be true, how?
This is the first comment on the post about fighting and suspensions being down. I know this to be true, Dan, because the NHL keeps track of fighting and suspensions, and they are down over the past few years.
Kelby O’Neal writes:
Good riddance? If you don’t like or approve of violence in hockey, watch something else. This sport doesn’t need to be pussified any more than it already is. There are more reasons to keep fighting in hockey than there is to get rid of it.
Grant hit on Vesey
Hockey fight bros love to take your argument to get rid of fighting and extend it to getting rid of “violence in hockey,” which isn’t a thing anyone wants. I love when a dude lights up another dude. Jimmy Vesey got caught with his head down against the Sabres a couple weeks ago. It was a great, clean hit I enjoyed very much.
I also enjoyed that no one on the Rangers tried to start a fight over it. I bet Kelby was mad no one stood up for Vesey, though, because deep down, that’s what he wants in his life. Stay strong, Kelby. Kelby.
Theodore Thomas writes:
You obviously have never played the game. Go back to your safe place and adjust your safety pin. Stay out of hockey.
There’s a lot of “never played the game” stuff in here so I won’t go off on all of them, but it’s safe SPACE not safe PLACE. I also tried to find Teddy T’s hockeydb page and it turns out he never played the game either, so maybe you should stay out of hockey and find your safe place or space. Check and mate, Ted.
Justin Alan Engebretson writes:
This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve read about hockey. Did you even play or did you just decide to write about it? Idiot.
Justin asks, “Did you just decide to write about it?” Well, you just read something I wrote, so clearly I decided to write about it. Or are you asking if I wrote it under duress? Like, are you trying to get me to signal to you that I’m in trouble? Wow, you’re my hero. In a way, I am your teammate and you are sticking up for me! Wow, this feels great.
And, Justin — no need to sign your comments.
Ryan Lenoir writes:
Really????? You fucking idiot….. it’s part of the sport get over it… snowflake
Buddy, if you’re mad at me, there’s no need to take it out on the question mark key and the period key. If you’re not careful, the semicolon key is going to stick up for his teammates and fight you.
Sean Spies writes:
Just admit you know nothing about the sport and shut the fuck up
How can I do both of these? Do I admit I know nothing via sign language? Tap it out in morse code? These demands contradict each other.
Riley Percival writes:
The eloquence in which Riley makes his point and has shaken my belief system to its core. Is fighting good? Does it add something to the game? Is it not declining? What if fighting is what makes hockey great? Damn, this has changed me. It has forced me to examine the world from a new perspective.
Thank you, Riley. Thank you.
Miro Asmodeus writes:
Go watch basketball you pansy!!!
The weirdest thing about hockey fans is they think basketball doesn’t feature tough people that would very likely bury most hockey players in a fistfight. Do you have any idea how large most basketball players are? Them playing a non-contact sport should not give you the false idea they wouldn’t snap you and a lot of hockey players in half if given a reason.
And now, we move on to the star of these comments. I love this guy so much.
Brett Hodgins writes:
So if someone is threatening you with a knife you don’t want someone to come in and kick his ass? Good to know.
If comments were wine, I’d swish this around in the glass, sniff it deep, take a sip, swirl it around my mouth and deem it the greatest thing I’ve ever tasted. It’s soooooo good. Fresh from False Equivalency Vineyards. This is also an educational comment for women, because this is how almost every guy on the planet thinks when he’s walking around with his friends. Let me explain.
Almost every young guy has a fantasy — it’s being out with his boys, having someone step to him, then having his boys come to his rescue after he’s been sucker punched or straight-up decked. It’s all most dudes think about. That, and the inverse, where they jump on a guy and wail on him for fighting a friend. This is what friendship is for most dudes. They think the coolest people to ever be shown on a movie screen is Matt Damon and his buddies in Good Will Hunting fighting those other guys at the playground. It’s the only male fantasy that exceeds the threesome.
So when Brett equates being attacked with a knife to someone fighting another guy over a hit in hockey, that’s because it’s what he’s imagining while watching that fight. He wants to have his buddies defend him and he mistakenly believes if a dude came at him with a knife, he’d defend his buddies instead of being stabbed and killed. That’s why most dudes love the stick up for your teammates culture. It sounds insane, and that’s because it is, but it’s true.
Brett Hodgins writes:
Piece of shit.
Brett doesn’t know you can go back and edit comments so you don’t have to leave new ones. He’s the star of this and will return later.
Adrian Castillejo writes:
Go watch soccer then pussy, fighting in hockey means a whole lot more than your stupid ass can comprehend. Go pussify another sport but leave hockey alone
I don’t get it, but Adrian is so mad at me that he feels my punishment should be watching soccer then pussy? Sign me up!
Bobby Marcucci writes:
Play the game before you comment
Come lace em up with us and then talk shit
As you already know, Bobby has never played hockey and then he commented. So when he says, “lace em up with us” he thinks his recreational league gives him insight into professional hockey. Or maybe he’s not a hockey player. Maybe “lace em up” means to try on corsets with him and his pals. I don’t get the connection, but I’ll think about it.
William Lawrence writes:
I choose to believe William read all the comments before and his comment is about that. I agree, Bill.
Michael Loughlin writes:
Cupcake if you can’t handle the fights in hockey go watch field hockey. It’s sallies like you that have been destroying hockey. It’s been turned into s talentless shoot fest.
Gretzky was great because he found opportunity where there was little. The clowns today look great because they play a game that has been intentionally changed to emphasize high shooting high scoring. The broad street bullies would lay them out.
Old school players could take the hit, give the hits and still produce memorable moments
First off, have you ever watched field hockey? It’s vicious.
The rest is like hockey mad libs. There are a lot of words here but none of them connect. He likes the Gretzky era because it was harder to score (when it wasn’t) hates today’s game because it’s high scoring (it’s not) and comments on “old school players” when he looks like he’s about 30 years old in his profile photo. But if it was a high-scoring shoot fest (again, it’s not) how are those players talentless?
It’s too much. Let’s say hi to an old friend.
Lucas Judd writes:
You’re the type of cancer that ruins literally everything. You suck so bad man. Get a different job.
Is there a type of cancer that doesn’t ruin everything? If you’re not coming at me with a specific cancer, you’re wasting my time.
Spencer Stakes writes:
Write about soccer you dingus
Your mom and I watch soccer together. There. I wrote about soccer.
Michael John Mergner writes:
Some one should report this guy to Facebook for being fake news.
Safe spaces. Safety pins. An incorrect use of fake news. What percentage of the commenters here voted for Donald Trump? If your answer is less than 90, you’re kidding yourself.
Frank Scheib writes:
Shit article. You obviously never played nor even tried to understand the game of hockey. Stick to soccer you pussy.
Everyone already left this comment, Frank.
Devo Hagen writes:
Clearly never played.
We’ve already covered this, Devo. You should whip it. Whip it good!
I should mention that at this point, I decided reply to everyone in the comments.
Dave Lozo writes:
There has been a lot of feedback on this story, much of it negative and derogatory toward me, the author. I wanted to let everyone know that I give all feedback — even if it’s negative — the attention it deserves. Is there something I can do differently? Is there a way to see the game from a new perspective? How would I feel if someone threatened me with a knife, and how does that pertain to a hockey fight? Criticism can be the foundation for any artist improving, so please understand none of this has been dismissed, ignored or censored in any way.
To this end, please be aware that I have read every last word, and once I finish having sex with your moms — again, and for hours — your moms and I will come up with a new plan to keep you happy, but not as happy as I make your moms. With the sex I have with them.
Thank you for reading. Best wishes, health and happiness for the upcoming new year.
And now, back to our boy!
Brett Hodgins writes:
Not be an idiot
Brett is so bad at this.
Brett Hodgins writes:
And the knife pertains to hockey fights because if you’re being threatened with a knife and someone stands up for you they’re doing the exact same thing as a hockey enforcer fighting a guy.
“The exact same thing”
Brett Hodgins writes:
You complete, fucking dumbass.
Even money Brett is the guy in your office who sends you like five emails instead of one because he remembered stuff he wanted to add later. Everyone hates Brett.
Matt Rajt writes:
Yeah, you need to go and play in a high level game. You need to go to a junior level game and ask them about fighting. Go interview Darren McCarty or Joe Kocur, or Tie Domi. Interview any NHL player, and they have a reason for wanting it.
Again, a guy who has never played the game is … you get it. But then he endorses fighting in a league that has 16-year-olds playing against 20-year-olds so who knows with Matt. And yes, if you interview players who do nothing but fight for a living, they will tell you to keep fighting in hockey. It’s shocking but it’s true. Also, none of those guys are in the NHL today.
Let’s bring this home with the comment that made me laugh the hardest.
Derek Spencer writes:
This one took a second. Did he hit three keys by accident? Does he even know what he did? Then I realized what happened, and it’s extraordinary: He meant to type “kys” which is internet shorthand for “kill yourself” and he found a way to mistype a three-letter response. That has to be a record. Has anyone ever typed fewer letters and still had a typo? I’m so happy.
Always read the comments.