10 things Barack Obama can do to improve college football

Barack Obama
On the scale of people whose opinions I value regarding the college football postseason, I’d put President Barack Obama somewhere around Bill “Shawshank” Simmons. Ironically, the two have just recorded a podcast together in which they actually discuss this very topic.

For the record, Obama told the Boston Sports Guy he preferred an eight-team playoff to the current BCS set-up. Simmons likened the BCS to a rose ceremony on The Bachelor.

Since the Commander in Chief is weighing on college football issues, allow me to offer 10 suggestions on measures he should take to help perfect God’s Sport.

Dave Lapham

1. Raise Dave Lapham’s taxes.

Every college football fan has an announcing nemesis. Mine is Lapham.

I’m sure he’s a nice enough guy, but his mindless yammering has ruined many a Saturday morning Big 12 broadcast for me. For that, he deserves to pay.

(Wait… Would this mean Lapham would somehow work more? Check with your economic advisers first.)

2. Offer a tax credit to any school that hires Ron Prince.

How else will we get this towel-waving bundle of joy back on the sidelines and in our college football lives?

(Bonus points if you can explain why this requires a credit and not a deduction.)

3. Nullify excessive celebration for punters.

That penalty is just all kinds of wrong. Like 180 degrees wrong.

Speaking of penalties…

4. Require “officiating” certification before any fan can bitch about holding penalties, or lack thereof.

You know who I’m talking about – that annoying homer sitting a row behind you at the game who acts like he’s Ed Hochuli. Somehow he can see if the center is holding from 45 rows up. On every play.

5. Declare a mandatory waiting period of 10 years on any discussion of the “greatest of all time.”

Matt Leinart was the greatest quarterback of all time. Until it was Vince Young. Until it was Tim Tebow. Until it was Cam Newton.

We need a little distance before we can have these conversations.

6. Blindfold Nick Saban.

I’m not even sure if that could stop him.

7. Institute the “Crackas in Austin” guys as the Longhorn Network house band.

These two ill-conceived projects seem made for each other, don’t they? Just imagine The Mack Brown Show coming back from the commercial break with these two budding MCs rhyming roughly four beats off-rhythm to a live studio audience.

8. Replace band performances at halftime with novelty acts.

Spare me the schmaltzy talk about tradition and pageantry. Marching bands had their day in the sun, but we’re living in the era of the frisbee-catching dog and unicyclists who can catch bowls on top of their heads.

Not to mention, there’s also Little E:

9. Appoint a special commission to study the non-fumble fumble recovery.

We’ve all seen it: A runner is tackled to the ground as the ball comes out in the process; the ref blows the whistle and calls the runner down; the opposing defense jumps on the ball; an instant replay review determines the ball was fumbled.

I still don’t understand how this is possible. Once the whistle blows, the play is supposed to be over. This defies the laws of physics. Have refs figured out a way to bend the space-time continuum?

10. Extraordinary rendition for recruiting predators.

We saw it play out time and again in the build-up to National Signing Day. A recruit would give his commitment to a school, and fans of spurned programs would sprout up online to flex some Internet muscles on Twitter.

Thankfully we have vigilant watchdogs like CBR’s own Michael Felder out there working to publicly humiliate these scumbags. We need to get tough on crime to root this junk out.