It’s the week where Chris Harrison earns his paycheck. Normally on The Bachelor Harrison spends the majority of his time in the shadows. But during the Women Tell All episode, the penultimate episode of the season, Harrison gets to be front and center. Even better: he gets to throw on his therapist cap and put the show’s contestants on the couch and under his microscope.
Monday night Harrison and The Bachelor paid extra attention to Jubilee, Lace, Olivia and Cailia. And of course Ben, who did a fantastic job reciting all his scripted comebacks that he no doubt practiced with his PR teams for weeks beforehand.
The other 20 ladies were in attendance as well. One even brought along a chicken.
When the chicken flies the coop…literally!
Yeah, it was that kind of night.
For two hours we were treated to a rehash of all the greatest moments from this season. The highs, the lows, the laughs, the tears. The belching (yep, I’m looking at you Jubilee) and the rest of the bloopers. All accompanied by shocked faces from ladies in the crowd.
"I want a selfie with both your faces!"
So with that in mind let’s hand out some awards.
Most Valuable Player: Olivia
You could tell the majority of the ladies showed up on set with just one goal in mind: take out Olivia. And at first they did. Olivia looked jolted and taken aback. Everything word coming out of her mouth — the body part Harrison poked fun at while introducing her — sounded hesitant and fearful.
Then Olivia began to detail just how difficult her life has been since the conclusion of the show and things took a serious turn. She said she no longer goes on social media because of all the horrible things people say. She said it hurt her when the rest of the girls made fun of her physical traits. She looked hurt and broken. Wounded might be a better word. She said that she was bullied as a child and that her experience on The Bachelor brought back those memories. She apologized to Amanda for mocking her for having kids, and to the rest of the ladies for any other harmful thing she might have said.
It was a serious moment for a show that likes to pretend it’s about serious things — only instead of lending credence to The Bachelor Olivia’s segment actually exposed it for the exploitive sham it truly is. The show doesn’t care about people’s feelings; it just wants to extract them for ratings. Which is fine and all, but don’t pretend you’re some beautiful gift sent down from the heavens to help spread love across the world. The Bachelor is a reality show, no different that Keeping Up With The Kardashians or MTV’s Real World. It can be fun to laugh at and watch, but in the end its cheesy and faux messages do more harm than good. Remember that next time superfraud Chris Harrison spews some smarmy fluff about emotional connections.
And with that, I’ll dismount my high horse and get back to the fun.
Most Improved Player: Lace
Getting a fortune cookie message tattooed to your skin is never a good idea, but occasionally even bad decisions pay off. Case in point: Lace deciding to get a tattoo of the phrase “you can’t love someone else until you truly love yourself” and then turning that into a life motto to be brought up in every conversation.
And yet, it’s apparently working. She says she’s in a much better place now (if you took a shot every time you heard those words muttered during this episode you’d be out ’til Thursday) and says she’s no longer using the word “crazy.” Also, she has a secret admirer. Hey, he’s into tattoos too. Maybe she should give him a shot.
More importantly, Lace scored an invite to Bachelor in Paradise, which is kind of like being called up to the Major Leagues from Triple-A. And she’s perfect for the show, too. A little zany, very emotional, lots of sparks. Of course, when Harrison tells you he thinks your personality is a perfect fit for the shit show that is Bachelor in Paradise it might be time to revaluate things (or in Lace’s case get another tattoo, perhaps one that says “reality TV is not the best place to find love”) but I guess that’s neither here nor there.
Least Valuable Player: Leah
She had one of the greatest heel turns in the history of reality TV. For weeks she lingered on the sidelines. Then she decided she had enough and elected to try to take out Lauren B. by ripping her to Ben. Then she lied about it after being confronted. Not exactly the way to endear yourself to Bachelor Nation, and so one would think Leah would show up to the Tell-All episode ready to apologize.
Instead she brought even more fire. She tried calling out Ben, who was more than prepared to fend off her bullshit.
— The Bachelor/ette (@bachelor_news) March 7, 2016
She tried defending her decision. She told Jamie and Amber to “get over it” while they were discussing their race-related issues with Jubilee.
Get over it?
She got booed by the audience, and for good reason.
On the one hand, it’s kind of disturbing just how vicious she was. On the other hand, it was kind of impressive. If she doesn’t score an invitation to Bachelor In Paradise then something is wrong.
The, “Wait, you Speak English” award: Shushanna
No, seriously, I thought she only spoke Russian.
The “Wait, Who Are You?” award: Izzy
No, seriously, who’s Izzy?
The “Sign You’ve Been on The Bachelor Too Many Times” Award: Becca
When you start confusing your men during so called “heart-to-hearts,” well, perhaps that’s a sign that it’s time to start going about your life in a different way.
— Bachelor GIFs (@BachGIFs) March 8, 2016
Or time to go back on Bachelor In Paradise. One or the other.
Best Chris Harrison Question
Harrison’s best trick is actually the non-question/silence, a tool anyone who’s ever gone to therapy no doubt recognizes. And hates. But when he asked Jubilee whether her confession that she felt unlovable “was that just an in-the-moment thing or something you truly feel,” well let’s just say Higgins was no doubt upset that he never thought of such a brilliant conversation starter.
Best Acting: Caila
We were given a longer, unedited and uncut glimpse of Caila’s breakdown in the car last week after being dumped by Ben and, well, it didn’t exactly do her any favors. Namely, she looked like an actress in a bad romantic comedy. Her lines sounded rehearsed. Her tears seamed fake. She looked and sounded like someone acting the way they assumed people do in times like that.
“It was hard for me to realize that my heart could love someone that way,” she told Harrison. Yeah, I ain’t buying in. Then again, Cailia has reportedly been chosen as our next Bachelorette so apparently her acting worked.
Best Workout Instructor: Becca
Now THIS is a Bachelor veteran.
— Bachelor GIFs (@BachGIFs) March 8, 2016
Questions that needed to be asked
- Jubilee, how are you in the military if you’re scared of heights?
- Ben, seriously, do you have any black friends?
- Emily and Hayley, has being on The Bachelor helped either of you find a job or are both of you still professional “Twins”?
Job security.. pic.twitter.com/prcC8O4N9W
— Andrew Brandt (@AndrewBrandt) January 19, 2016
Line of the Night:
“I get The Bachelor wasn’t good for you, but I’d like to know if you’d like to go on Bachelor In Paradise.”
Yep, that pretty much sums this whole thing up. See ya’ll next week week for the three hour (!) final episode.