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Tony La Russa submits a resume to the Mariners

The start of the year is when many of us average Joes and Jodis start looking for new jobs, be it out of boredom or the fact that our bank account doesn’t have as many zeroes in it as we’d like.

And when you’re applying for a job, there’s a time-honored ritual that one must follow before being formally considered.

Whether you’re applying for an executive or a janitorial position, the song may be different but the dance steps remain the same. You prepare a resume detailing your qualifications, compose a cover letter that you hope catches the hiring manager’s eye, submit it and hope that you’re one of the lucky few selected for an interview.

Apparently the same goes for baseball legends as well.

Ken Rosenthal reported late Thursday night that Tony La Russa had submitted a cover letter and resume applying for the position of President of the Seattle Mariners.

Yes, THAT Tony La Russa. The same guy who won three World Series with two different franchises and established himself as perhaps the smartest man in baseball over the past half century.

And yes, THOSE Seattle Mariners, who, if Seattle Times ace baseball writer Geoff Baker is to be believed, have a front office that can best be described as “chaotic” right now.

La Russa’s been out of the game since leading the Cardinals to the Promised Land back in 2011. He’s got nothing left to prove, having won the aforementioned three World Series titles and just been elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame. He has no tangible ties to the Mariners and the team isn’t showing any signs of winning anytime soon.

Why would he possibly want this job? It’s not that he needs the money. La Russa earned a handsome sum over the course of his career. And it’s not as though he needs the hardware, given the fact that he’s got a trophy case that rivals that of just about anyone else in the game.

Even more appalling – he’s rumored not to be the Mariners’ top choice. USA Today reports that the team is considering at least two internal candidates ahead of La Russa.

While it’s doubtful that either of those candidates possess the kind of credentials the former Cardinals/Athletics/White Sox manager has, it is fun to imagine what Tony La Russa’s formal application to Mariners CEO Howard Lincoln would look like. Here’s a rough idea:

Cover Letter

Tony La Russa

123 Champion Lane

Happy Place, Somewhere Warm, 90210

Dear Mr. Lincoln:

If you’re looking for someone who has experience working hard and leading teams to postseason glory, look no further. My name is Tony La Russa, I’ve won more World Series titles in the past three years than your team has won in its (mostly) pathetic existence, and I want to be your next President.

My qualifications include…well, I’m in the Hall of Fame, I’ve won three World Series titles as a manager, the media seems to like me, and I’ve got more brand recognition than everybody on your roster not named Felix Hernandez or Robinson Cano. I’ve shown that I can deal with high profile, high maintenance players based on how I handled the likes of Albert Pujols and Mark McGwire. And, I’m a lawyer!

I’ve attached a copy of my resume further detailing my (over)qualifications to lead your organization. Please feel free to reach out with any questions and I’ll be happy to show you one of my rings and what you can do with it.

Looking forward to chatting!

Cheers,

Tony

Resume
 
Tony La Russa                                                                    tonyL3WSChamps@aol.com
 
Experience:
 
Manager, Various Teams                                                                                       1979-2011
 
       -Lead three separate organizations to postseason success
 
       -Got the most out of my teams through strategic communication and maneuvering.
 
       -Managed a clubhouse full of…You know what Howard, screw you, I’m Tony La Russa and I shouldn’t even need to submit a resume for a gig with the freaking Mariners.

Matt Lindner is a TOC alum and is currently a freelance contributor to RedEye (A Chicago Tribune publication) and the Chicago Sun-Times. Follow him on Twitter @mattlindner.

Joe Lucia

About Joe Lucia

Managing editor of Awful Announcing. News editor of The Comeback. Managing editor of The Outside Corner. You guessed it - not actually Frank Stallone.

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