Gisele Bundchen

Since the previous NFL season ended, we have seen Tom Brady end his historic NFL career by retiring, then decide to un-retire, return to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers seeming a little different, disappear mysteriously during training camp, and end up in the gossip rags as his marriage to Gisele Bündchen fell apart, all while his body seemed to break down under the weight of playing at the age of 45.

According to a strangely convincing conspiracy theory, all of this has a simple explanation. Gisele is a white witch whose spells helped him achieve amazing heights in the NFL but now that he has wronged her, she is breaking the spell as he returns to mortality.

James Dator at SB Nation compiled all the evidence, courtesy of the witches of TikTok. And there is a lot of evidence to consider as there are hundreds of videos from WitchTok claiming that everything happening to Brady right now lines up with the theory.

Specifically, the theory is that Gisele cast altruistic spells on Brady when they got married that allowed him to succeed at a level that few if any, have ever achieved in the NFL. The deal was that Touchdown Tom had to retire at 45 because that is “the tarot number for making positive life changes.” As we know, Brady decided to play past that, doing so after a 40-day retirement (which, of course, means something too), breaking his promise. As a white witch, Gisele is not casting any new spells to harm him but has allowed the existing ones to disappear, which explains Brady’s gaunt features and aching body as the ravages of time are catching up to him.

And while we might dismiss all of this from the jump, you do have to consider a 2019 interview that Brady did in which he essentially admitted Gisele was doing…something, on him.

“I’ve learned a lot from my wife over the years,” said Brady. “She’s so about the power of intention, and believing things that are really going to happen and she always makes a little altar for me at the game, because she just wills it so much. So she put together a little altar for me that I could bring with pictures of my kids. I have these little special stones and healing stones and protection stones and she has me wear a necklace and take these drops she makes and say all these mantras.”

We’re not saying that Gisele Bündchen is a witch and the protective spells that have surrounded Tom Brady during his NFL career are expiring, but, we’re also not not saying it either.


About Sean Keeley

Along with writing for Awful Announcing and The Comeback, Sean is the Editorial Strategy Director for Comeback Media. Previously, he created the Syracuse blog Troy Nunes Is An Absolute Magician and wrote 'How To Grow An Orange: The Right Way to Brainwash Your Child Into Rooting for Syracuse.' He has also written non-Syracuse-related things for SB Nation, Curbed, and other outlets. He currently lives in Seattle where he is complaining about bagels. Send tips/comments/complaints to